Faith · Healing · Meditation/Visions · The Self

An Ode to Free Will

fernwaterThe force which allows us to have infinite power and freedom through our sheer free will, regardless of our faith or even the lack thereof,

The force which honors the inherent power and freedom that we have all inside, that is our divine right, something that have always existed beyond time,

Is absolutely not evil.

Is something that can be trusted.

Is something that deserves our unshakable, unwavering eternal devotion.

Evil is controlling and possessive. It is rooted on fear and lack. It doesn’t see anyone. It doesn’t trust anyone. The emptiness in its core is unfathomable.

But this force that is the complete opposite of evil shines so brightly that it’s even able to shine over the darkest depths where evil resides. For evil is the mere absence of light; where doors are shut and fists are clenched. Where separation breeds and expands.

Nothing is innately good or bad, because free will exists. We are the secret ingredient that brings meaning to any situation. The meaning we create brings all things to life.

We are the factor that matters. We are the only thing that prevails. Appearances may change, may mutate, may dissipate – but we remain steadfast in our evolution.

The gift of free will does not exist as a tool for self-flagellation. The Divine didn’t intend to berate us and humiliate us, and put the weight of the world on our shoulders. Free will is meant to simply make us…free – it’s that simple. It’s a reminder that we always have the power that we need at any given moment, regardless of how situations look like on the surface, regardless if we find ourselves alone or if we’ve got company.

Free will reminds us, unfailingly, of our divine essence. That we are all equal and we come from the same Source.

Free will is meant to be our compass, it’s meant to guide us back to our home which is Joy and Oneness.

May we all see the grace that free will is, and use it to heal and expand the world as we know it.

People & Relationships · The Self

Stuff like this you gotta learn the hard way – on Boundaries and Forgiveness

Sometimes the only way to teach others about asserting for their own needs is to assert our own needs first. I know, it’s not always easy. It sucks. It can make you feel shitty.

But I guess, self-determination, since it’s also about separation, has to hurt for some time. Otherwise, it’s not real.


I can forgive myself or someone for a wrong doing without having to accept it. Forgiveness is about accepting the fact that as humans, we don’t know everything and making mistakes is just a part of our nature, too. It’s letting go of the weight of feeling angry, frustrated or disappointed. It doesn’t mean, though, that we’re gonna accept and understand it once it happens again.

Forgiveness is not a permission for future wrong doings, especially, of the same ones.



People & Relationships

What true independence is

Needing some assistance from other people doesn’t make a person needy. A baby needs an adult to take care of her/him, but that doesn’t make the her/him needy. Pets need us to feed them and protect them to some extent, but it doesn’t make them needy as well. We are just in the position to help them because the situations make us so and not because they demand us to do such things for them.

That’s how we know if “neediness” has taken place. Neediness happens when someone demands (overtly or otherwise) other people to do things for her/him because she/he couldn’t have enough of what she/he needs and/or because she/he doesn’t feel capable of fulfilling her/his own needs when she/he obviously can.  It doesn’t come from a place of infinite abundance and interconnectedness. It stems from a feeling of lack and insecurity.

My youngest brother DJ is the most independent person I know of. He couldn’t stand, walk or talk. At the age of 13, he couldn’t even take a glass of water and drink by himself if he likes to. He couldn’t feed himself. He couldn’t bathe himself. He couldn’t even control his bowel movement. When he was a baby, he couldn’t even drink from his feeding bottle. He didn’t have the infant instinct of sucking to nourish himself. He was initially fed through a tube inserted into his throat going straight to his stomach. Doctors said that his life was not gonna last long. We had all the obvious signs that they were right. But he has proven the them all wrong.

He lived and continuously lives for 13 years now. He learned how to suck, drink and now he is eating like a normal kid. He learned how to crawl and sit up. He communicates with us in his own way. He has his own hobbies and daily routines. He has his own favorite foods and TV shows and films and clothes to wear and places to go to. He loves being in the water. He is a film buff. He loves to travel and has traveled to many places many adults haven’t been to. He has his own sense of humor and mischievousness. He knows how to both tease people and piss people off. He knows how to ask for what he wants. He knows when he doesn’t like someone or when someone doesn’t like him. He protests when he doesn’t want to do something.

Because of his physiological limitations, his spirit shines more. I couldn’t help but see his spirit which is free and complete, not needing anybody’s validation. DJ is always grateful but never complaining. He knows how to be present. He knows how to have fun alone.

He is very observant. He is always fascinated with how people look like and how they speak and behave. He doesn’t ask for what isn’t there. He doesn’t demand things to be other than the way they are. He has his  moods as well and that’s how you know that he’s authentic. He doesn’t live to please the people around him. He is not afraid to let his caretakers get pissed of from time to time. He doesn’t hide his truths.

He makes the people around him, strangers included, happy because he is always happy.

Although he has all the reasons to feel insecure, sad, alienated and needy, he is not a bit any of these. He doesn’t blame anybody for the kind of body and life that he has. He’s been through numerous major operations since he was a baby but he never harbored the pain and discomfort of it all.

He wakes up everyday as a new person. He doesn’t carry any kind of burden. He has this openness to life and faith that he’s always taken care of. He’s always thrilled with what he can experience everyday.

Most of us may wonder how he could become so wise. The truth is, we’re all born wise. We are all part of the eternal energy that creates and destroys universes. We just get caught up in our limited 3D life as we grow old and so we forget all the wisdom we have.

But beings like DJ make us remember the truth behind what’s on the surface of our existence. They remind us that we are eternal, that we are always taken care of, that we are part of the indestructible formless energy that is beyond what we can automatically perceive. We are both young and old, naive and wise.

Many people tell us that DJ is our lucky charm (i.e. that he would bring us abundance). That’s what they usually say when you have a person with special needs in the family. But surely he has blessed us with more than just material wealth.

The love and joy he has shared with us is immeasurable. He gave us the opportunity to love like this. As I have mentioned in my old posts, I haven’t known what unconditional love was until he came along.

He doesn’t struggle to leave any kind of legacy. By being himself he is able to shine his light around him. Because of him I’ve become more loving, more trusting and most of all, more free. I’ve learned that after all, completeness and freedom have always been and will always be inside each of us unconditionally.


People & Relationships · The Self

Why I love the Yoga Tree pose

It’s nice to have two legs. It’s nice to stand on two feet. Most probably, it’s better to have two legs and two feet instead of just one or maybe, let’s say, three.

It’s  important to have a strong support system. It’s true that we cannot live alone. It’s enriching to share our lives with others.

But growing also entails being able to stand alone, like standing on one foot.

Time will come that we would have to learn how to find our strength and balance in our own core.

Independence is necessary in establishing healthy relationships both towards oneself and others. It’s not always good – or even possible – to share everything with someone. A person can only share and take on so much- both the positive and the negative. Our relationships are alive, mutual and organic.

When I was younger, I used to feel compelled to share everything with my loved ones – my parents, close girl friends, my lover. I even thought it was healthy to do it at all times.

Yes, open communication is important to healthy relationships but not to the point that we’re stepping onto personal boundaries – both ours and those around us. I’ve come to realize that sharing too much could also lead to stunted personal and relationship growth.

I’ve become more private in celebrating my triumphs and grieving for my losses lately. This is not a sign of moving away from the people I love.

This is just my way of moving closer to my Higher, Wiser and more Powerful Self.

I need to do this to be more familiar with my own voice and to get better in trusting it. I need to learn how to trust my own wisdom and decisions, to shape my own opinions, to feel and express my own feelings without asking for external validation.

I must also learn how to give my relationships the space they need to breathe and thrive.

Our loved ones are not sponges. Our relationships are not dump sites.

Strength is both found and cultivated in openness and in silence, in complete sharing and independence. Both ways of relating are important in different situations.

I enjoy doing the yoga tree pose not really because of the challenge it brings but mostly because of the peace I get from being fully present in my own existence – knowing that I am enough as long as I stand from the core of my being.

People & Relationships

So this is how it feels like :)

I have the partner who is especially meant for me, the partner that is perfect for me, the partner that is of the same soul as mine, he’s just in a different human body.

He doesn’t put me in a box. He doesn’t treat me just like a girlfriend. I am not something to feed his ego. I am not here to please him and fill up his holes.

He sees the real me. I am a separate, free being with my own desires, capacities and destiny. He treats me as his partner in life. We go through life together.

He is the wind beneath my wings. He believes in my opinion and advice. He entrusts his heart to me because I can be trusted. He feels I am expanding his horizons and he learns about so many things in life from me.

But he is never dependent on me nor scared and overwhelmed. He is capable of accepting all that I am and everything I can give. He admires that I am doing brave things and accepting great challenges in life. He wants me to fulfill my desires. He wants me to become successful in ways that are meaningful to me. He values his own goals in the first place that’s why he values my own dreams as well.

He makes me feel that all is well and that all is gonna be well. He gives me the strength to always remember that we are enough, that what we have is enough.

We may be literally oceans apart and it may take a long while before we can live together but he reminds me everyday that having each other is such a huge blessing. Knowing that he is with me through all the twists and turns that may happen in my life gives me peace and courage.

This is what commitment looks like, this is how commitment feels like. He is so committed to me that he does not want to chain me into him. Our story has proven that our souls are tied to each other that no distance and time and circumstances can keep us apart.


Healing · Health · The Self

To an old friend named Depression


You used to have so much power over me.

There was a point in my life when I simply let myself see the world through you. Everything was just about you and your unreasonable demands. Nothing could ever appease you. The more you’re given what you thought you wanted, the more unhappy you became.

You came to me at a time when I was feeling weak and alone myself. You became my most available companion. It must be true what they say, misery loves company.

Somehow, you provided the comfort that I needed. It was suffocating in your arms, yes, but at least I had someone with me.

You justified all the wounds that I’ve been nursing on my own. There was meaning to my despair.

There was someone who actually listened, understood and cared.

I was so empty at that time that I let us feed off each other. But even my all was not enough to make you happy.

Fortunately, I was able to rescue myself just in time. I still had the reason and strength to separate myself from you.

I had no idea what’s gonna become of me after that. Would the world welcome me back? I didn’t know. But I didn’t care.

All I felt was exhaustion. I wanted respite from you and from what I have become.

Love made me strong and wise enough to confront your shadows and my own fears.

Depression, I don’t need you now. I have changed. I’ve learned a lot from you. I used to think I could take everything, that I could be everything to everyone. You taught me how to be humble enough to accept my humanity. You’ve helped me map out the hurting parts of me. But I don’t need you now. I’ve become stronger and more capable of living with the painful realities of life.

I have to let you go because I have to step into the light. I must move out of the comfort zone you’ve provided me with. I have to be there for the people I love. I deserve love as well.

I have to show up in my own life.

The darkness you shared with me was comforting for a time. You let me into your home.

You welcomed my darkness when the whole world didn’t want any of it.

Depression, thank you. You only existed because I brought you to life. You can take a rest now. Trust me, I’ll be okay. I feel safe now in my own strength.

You can let me go now.