Activities · Relationships · Self · Women

My Peacock Sister Fairy

I was doing a visualization meditation on letting go. Even before the guide told me to visualize a library on top of the stairs, I already knew it was a library. It was an old library made with dark mahogany wood. I sat in a chair made of dark brown leather. I picked up an old book. I went inside the book then I found myself in a forest similar to where I met my panther animal guide. The owl I recently met was there, too, in one of the trees.

I heard the sound of a waterfall then suddenly saw myself sitting in a lotus position in between waterfalls. I wasn’t wet. I was sitting in a rock. In front of me was another waterfall. The water was so clear and stable that I could clearly see my reflection. I saw myself there sitting. My eyes were closed.

Suddenly behind me, a bird appeared. It had a small head, it was sitting/floating behind me and it’s wings were spread out like an eagle. At first it’s feathers were dark brown. Slowly they turned into dark blue. Some crown-like feathers or tendrils appeared at the top of its small head like a crown. I also saw the beak in close up and little diamonds appeared. It sort of looked like a peacock but not really. Its wings were slowly adorned with little glittery things like gems.

Suddenly I found myself inside the spirit of the bird. It’s like I went inside her and saw the world through her eyes, although her consciousness was inside her at the same time.

We went inside the waterfall in front of us. Inside it was like a deep cave with some light inside. The little patches of light came from the fire stored inside troughs. Inside the troughs are precious gemstones, too. The bird went near a trough and inside it was a ball of fire. We didn’t stay long.

During that time inside the cave I was asking her if it was her home. She said yes. She also said that those were gemstones. She said that she didn’t get them anywhere. They just appeared on their own. I asked her if she was wealthy having so many gemstones and even
diamonds in her beak and feathers. She said yes, she’s wealthy. I asked her what she was exactly. She told me she didn’t know. She didn’t even know where she came from or how she came into being.  She just told me she slowly materialized and that it felt natural for  her to be with me. She said she was like my light, my energy, my aura.

I went back to the library, downstairs and out of the door, back to where I was really sitting while doing the meditation. The magical bird went out the door with me. She’s still here with me somewhere perched on my shoulders or floating behind me or flying beside me.

She told me that if I wanted to know more about her I should probably ask the alchemists who made her. Maybe I should ask the waterfall or the mountains where the waterfall is. Maybe only they can tell me the answers to my questions.

She also told me that maybe her practical use for me is to guide me with regards to managing my energy. Maybe I gotta observe her. If she turned brown again or plain or ugly, maybe it meant I was having those kinds of frequencies in me as well.

She had this very innocent energy like a child or a pet. She’s neither dependent nor needy. She’s actually worry-free. She told me she didn’t know the answers to my questions because that was the truth. She really didn’t know. And she didn’t mind that she didn’t know.

*

This is so magical! I have been attracting animal spirit guides lately. First was the male, mature black panther, then the curious owl with a boy scout spirit, then this magical, flamboyant peacock-like bird with an innocent spirit, too. This is so so cool! I am so thrilled and grateful for all of them and the Universe for sending them to me!

Activities · People · Places · Self · Travel · Women

My Soul’s Journey

This morning I had the inspiration to meditate on my soul’s journey. My intention was to understand it more so I can better understand the events in my 3D life and how I can better navigate it to the benefit of all the parts of my selves, all my parallel lives.

I found this powerful meditation music on YouTube. I usually prefer to listen to an audio guide or a meditation music when I want to address a certain issue. It is more effective for me and more enjoyable, too. As always, I believe that nothing is random. We get what is the reflection of our subconscious. Even our imaginations are not random. I knew that this I bumped into this music because it is related to my soul journey and therefore it was right for me to use it.

This is what I experienced:

I was in the middle of a dessert, sitting in a lotus position on a cliff. I was facing these rocky mountains. The sky was clear and I could see the clouds floating calmly.

Suddenly a man came with a camel carrying all sorts of stuff. It looked like he was traveling. His energy was calm and so was the animal.

Moments passed by and more people came, too, on foot, with their animals. Men, women, children, all with their belongings with them. They’re walking in a coordinated way, as if they’re following an invisible line. When I zoomed into them to know more  about what’s going on, I found out that they’re migrating to a place together but they were all inside themselves, reflecting/meditating/praying. They’re not talking to each other, they’ll just sometimes glance at each other or assist each other with carrying their loads.

They were in this meditative state because their souls were hungry for it. Their souls wanted to do it. They accepted this as part of their fate, their journey. They didn’t question it. They were moving because they were following the music in their heart, leading them the way. It’s like a magnet pulling them to a place they didn’t really know where. For them, the journey was more important than the destination. In fact, the journey was what it was all about. They were merely creating the destination while they’re in the journey. But they knew that the destination was just a byproduct of their journey, therefore the destination changed, too as they went through their journey.

A woman looked at me and we communicated with our thoughts. She said: “I see you. I see your journey. I honor your journey. We’re together in this journey but we also have our individual journeys that we need to go through.”

The night came. They gathered together around a bonfire. They were playing drums and dancing. They were dancing with eyes closed. Although they gathered together, they were dancing alone, deep inside their spirit. Dancing was their way of cleansing their souls, stripping all the accumulated emotions, beliefs and attachments that no longer served them, that weighed them down. As I saw them danced, I felt it in myself, too. I saw myself dancing on top of a cliff under the full moon. My eyes were closed and I moved as if I was exorcising the debris of lies which still clung to my spirit. I was crying because it was another way of cleansing my spirit as well. The music stopped. The dancing stopped, too. The people lied down under the night sky filled with stars. They closed their eyes.

The next morning came, the people packed their bags and started to walk again. This time, they felt more alive, more energetic – lighter. Their heads were clearer. They started to smile to each other, too and whistle from time to time. This time they moved faster, too, and I noticed that animals were walking, crawling and running alongside them: goats, lions, elephants, giraffes, horses, snakes, insects. Different kinds of birds were flying above them, moving in the same direction. The trees gave way to them and helped them move forward. It’s as if by cleansing themselves the night before, they’re able to go back to being part of nature again. They become One again.

This explains my longing to just go deep inside me, reflect, listen and understand from that place. I never really felt a pull to do something in particular even though I have achieved many things, explored and experimented and created all my life. The things that I have done would always take me back to that meditative state and see the world from the silence of my spirit.

Maybe my current life is about the journey of meditating and cleansing my spirit, of removing all the debris that are weighing me down. It is about going back to my divine nature and the fact that I am one with everything. It is also about being present and remembering that we create our destination as we go through our journey, so nothing is ever permanent.

Every outcome shifts and they shift depending on who we are becoming.

This leads me to think that maybe I have to stop berating myself for not knowing where to go, not having a “life purpose” or a pull to do something in particular.

This is MY PULL. My pull is to go inwards, because that is the only way I could move forward my journey.

There are no sign posts or maps to guide me through, only the pull of my soul can guide me.

Activities · People · Relationships · Women

My Mom has a Heart that sings.

I like this metaphor of a heart that sings. I haven’t always known its meaning. Perhaps, it has a totally different meaning to others. I came up with my own understanding of it because of my mom.

My mom has a heart that sings. No one would imagine the heartaches and struggles she’s been through because she’s just always so loving and happy. People flock towards her. She has this warm and abundant energy like a real empress.

While other people become bitter and evil once they go through hardships and betrayals, my mother belongs to the other group – those who only become more compassionate and humble because of them.

The heartaches she’s been through have only taught her about her own worth and the importance of loving herself. These experiences were a catalyst to her own realizations as well of what truly mattered to  her.

My mom has taught me the importance of being present in the Now. She has taught me how to choose to appreciate every chance that we are given to live again. She knows that these chances are opportunities for us to love, be loved and have fun. We can either choose to get stuck in the bitterness of what was or embrace the chance to start again.

This is why she has a heart that sings. She lives in the Now. When we are present in each and every moment, it just becomes inevitable for the bitterness of the past to fade away. When things have been resolved and we have finally reached the calm shore, the Universe only asks us of one thing – to open our hearts for a new beginning.

Activities · Self · Women

Get your PINK on!

I am taking my GIRL SELF back! In her rests my spirit and joy! I’m taking Nicki Minaj’s advice to Rosie, I’m not gonna let anybody stop me from liking PINK and everything that is associated with being a girly girl! I am a woman and I will be forever a girl. Girls are spirited, smart and kind! Girls are magic! Always in the becoming; always what’s is and what could be. I won’t let anybody disrespect girls and all things feminine.

AMEN.

 

Activities · Self · Women

It’s never too late to go healthy and natural.

I spent the past week gradually transitioning to a healthy and natural lifestyle. The timing just felt right to me. I listened to my intuition and that’s what she told me. These are some of the things I’ve been doing:

I resolved to make a tall glass of fruit and veggie smoothie everyday. If only I could, I would radically become a vegan overnight. However, I knew that it would be difficult for me to do so because I share the household with unhealthy eaters. Likewise, I still need to do more research on vegan substitutes for dairy products as well as plant-based sources of protein. This healthy smoothie, however, is a good start. I’m getting vitamins, minerals and fiber everyday.

I resolved to wear the most minimal make-up that I can. I never wore heavy make-up anyway, except for maybe less than ten times in my life in which I attended events. My usual make up routine only involves: press powder (I don’t wear foundation), eyebrow pencil (I have full brows so I don’t need to put much and I hate the fake, thick, cartoonish look), lipstick and liquid eyeliner and blush on in rare occasions (when the mood strikes or when the weather cooperates). But I still wanted to simplify the number of make up products I own.

I used to have a total of 7 lipsticks, a lip gloss, a palette of eye shadows and stick concealer. I recently resolved to just limit my lipsticks to three (deep classic red – for formal events and night outs or when I just want to look more mature or fancy, pinkish brown nude – I believe this is the most flattering color for my skin that I can actually use everyday and mocha – just because this is the closest to my actual lip color), limit my eyeshadow palette to neutral colors and not wear concealer anymore (except as eye primer and lipstick mattifier). I don’t like contouring simply because it’s high-maintenance and I am intimidated by the thought of wearing layers of make up. Just the thought of it makes my skin itchy! I also resolved to not always fill by eyebrows anymore, because honestly, I don’t need to do it. I just have to maintain their shape. I also resolved not to use liquid eyeliner that frequently because I have to admit that I am just too lazy too clean them before I go to bed and I always end up waking up with irritated eyes in the morning. Hmm and forget the blush on. It just irritates my skin and the right lipstick is enough to lighten up my face, anyway. I never liked wearing mascara and I’m still sticking by my resolution not to wear it. Wearing contact lens is enough to irritate my eyes, and liquid eyeliner is already too high maintenance for me. Mascara would be just horrifying.

I ditched all my expired make up and decided to only buy vegan products from cruelty-free brands. Some common drugstore brands which I’ve found were Elf and Wet N Wild. Although the latter is not 100% vegan, they have a long list of vegan products. Both are cruelty-free as well. They’re easy to find in local shopping malls and they are one of the most affordable brands. I resolved to always change my makeup every 6-12 months.

I ditched all my synthetic nail-polish. They’re obviously toxic and I didn’t know why I even made myself wear them! I’m just gonna use vegan products from now on. They’re definitely pricey but wearing toxic nail polish could cost me my health later in life.

I ditched both the synthetic shampoo and soap that I’ve been using for so long (Hannah and Dove) and started using vegan and cruelty-free products. While on the surface, the products I formerly used temporarily gave me soft hair and skin, I knew that they’re actually doing more harm than good not just for me but for the entire planet. My long term plan is to create my own plant-based shampoo and body wash. But for now, I’m using Human  Heart Nature moisturizing shampoo and Castile Soap from Healthy Options.

I ditched my synthetic body scrub and opted for coffee and coconut oil scrub instead. AND IT’S SO LOVELY! The smell of virgin coconut oil and coffee grounds is HEAVEN! And my skin feels so calm and loved and happy! I use it both for my face and body.

I started my refined sugar detox. I actually did it way earlier than the others. I figured out that I was consuming too much refined sugar lately. I was eating a lot of chocolates (bars, cookies, cakes etc.). I was even putting sugar on my coffee every morning! But since I started out my sugar detox, I got back to drinking black coffee again (no sugar, no cream) and I was more conscious of eating cookies and chocolates and other kinds of desserts. I used to allow myself to eat them without a guilt because I said I was skinny, anyway. But nope! That’s not the right attitude! Sugar was making me feel heavy and shitty. It’s a drag. It was also making my skin looked haggard and ugly. My natural glow gradually came back because of this sugar detox plus my transition to natural personal and beauty products.

I didn’t have any problems refraining from sugary drinks, though, because I never liked sodas and artificially processed fruit juices and energy drinks, anyway.

I plan to improve on my healthy transition in the weeks, months and years to come. My long term goal is to be completely vegan in my diet, personal care and lifestyle. I’ll update this blog from time to time. I hope I maintain the discipline and passion to keep this going! 🙂 I’ll write more about my journey soon!

 

 

Activities · People · Relationships · Self · Women

My ‘Fuck It’ List

I got this idea of creating a Fuck It List instead of a Bucket List from Scott Jones’ Ted Talk. I share his sentiment that writing a Bucket List feels kinda phony and sentimental. I actually have a Bucket List inside my head, but it doesn’t feel like a ‘legit’ one. It’s more like a guide for living my life. Haha!

So since I just turned 29 (!!!), I decided now is the perfect time to create my very first Fuck It List. And so this is how it goes:

1. I’m done with Facebook. As you see, I’ve already checked this one based on my latest posts, since I have deleted all my contacts except for my boyfriend and his sister. I need to keep it that way because I’m in a long distance relationship and Facebook is just the most convenient tool to communicate and share stuff. One unintended effect on me though is that I have stopped compulsively browsing my Newsfeed for interesting content posted on the pages I follow.

I no longer feel like I’m missing out on something if I don’t see all these amazing stuff online.

2. I’m done with uncomfortable and dangerous footwear. I’ve recently developed a bunion on my left foot due to 1. My genes (my aunts have it, too) and 2. Pointed and cramped shoes. While I couldn’t do anything (or much) about my genes, I can choose which kinds of shoes to wear. I don’t really wear high heels but I have always been fond of wearing pointed shoes. But since I developed this bunion, I started to despise them.

I had to change the way I think about clothing in general. I used to take my feet for granted, but now I put foot care on top of my priorities (especially since I work in Sales and Marketing, I do a lot of walking and traveling!).

3. I’m done with stressing about wearing watches and accessories. I used to like wearing feminine accessories, but since I hit my mid-twenties, I’ve stopped liking them. I just felt irritated wearing them and I didn’t find them attractive on me anymore (I don’t even wear earrings now). I used to like wearing watches, too, but not anymore.

When I wear a watch, I tend to check out the time every fucking few seconds. I swear it’s crazy! It’s a bad habit that I don’t wanna live with.

I’d rather accessorize myself with nail polish and make up (those two I really enjoy putting on). Of course I’m still open to wearing accessories on very few occasions. But I have decided not to force myself into doing it anymore.

4. I’m done with the feeling of always having to explain myself especially when I say No to other people. This is definitely age-related. I just don’t have enough insecurity anymore to bend and break to accommodate others. First of all, I have minimized my Circle into a very few selected individuals (my family, my boyfriend and just a few more individuals who I choose to remain important in my life). This list won’t even reach twenty.

5. I’m done with greeting people outside of my Circle on their birthdays. I just don’t see the point in popping up into a person’s life on his/her birthday when I practically choose to be absent otherwise.

6. I’m done with always wanting to look younger than I already am. A few days ago, I looked into the mirror and suddenly realized that gone are the days when I have always been mistaken to be younger than my actual age. I think I am officially starting to look like I am in my early 30’s now (which I will be in a few short years). The reality that I couldn’t take back the freshness I had when I was a decade younger has begun to sink in. My face is starting to sag that I am thinking for sure I’ll be needing a face lift in the next decade – just kidding haha! (But jokes are half meant, aren’t they?) I feel that I could easily get fat now unlike when I was younger, when I could pig out and remain as slim as I’ve always been. I don’t wanna look cute anymore. I’m fine and comfy now with wearing “mature lady clothes”.

I’m done glorifying and obsessing on my youth. I want to start embracing and appreciating maturity for all its freedom and beauty.

7. I’m done with chasing more, but shallow experiences. I guess it’s part of youth to want to try out as many things as possible. My motto used to be “Life is a series of many firsts.” It has guided my life for the past decade. While it’s been amazing and I’ve learned a lot, I believe the time has come for me to change my perspective. That old motto no longer suits what kind of life I wanna live from hereon.

I want to immerse myself now in experiences that are more deliberate, profound and long lasting. It’s not about the quantity anymore, but the quality of experiences. It’s not about the chance to experiment anymore, but the opportunity to take roots and grow.

8. I’m done with deliberately not liking people when they turn out to be very different from me, or when I feel like they don’t like me. This bad habit is just stressing me out and making me judgmental and defensive. I also miss a lot by not opening myself enough to accept people the way they are and how they genuinely feel towards me. It’s not the end of the world when someone doesn’t like me. I gotta grow up and stop wanting to be in harmony with everyone. Contrast is important, too.

9. I’m done with extending help to those who don’t want my help to begin with. I have started to learn how to trust that everybody has his/her own path and that we can always find our way through. Being open to help when I feel like helping is enough. I don’t have to shove it into people’s faces. If they want my help, they’ll have no problem asking for it and welcoming it.

10. I’m done with unnecessary confrontations. I’m pretty much a confrontational person, but these past few months have taught me that sometimes it’s better to just let things go. We have to choose our battles. Honesty is definitely important. But I have learned that some things are better left unsaid. Sometimes we just have to forgive and let go.

I think this list is a good start! Again, it’s not about the quantity but the quality of what we pursue. Once I find myself accomplishing them, I would have more space for new items to include.

 

Activities · Self · Women

My body wrote me a letter.

And it says:

Learning about a health condition (a dis-ease) is not really about letting you know that you’re doing something wrong with how you live your life and how you relate to yourself because almost always you’re already aware of those things; it’s mostly an indicator that the time has come for you to heal – a reliable, accurate diagnosis only tells you you’re ready to get well and better again. You are ready to change.

Treat it as a key to a door towards a renewed path. You can either take it and proceed with the resolve that you’re gonna do whatever it takes to stay on the path and move forward or you can just look at it and stand there, frozen and miserable. If you look at it this way it would be easier for you to realize which is the better option and you’ll know why it’s better for obvious reasons (It’s just pointless to stand somewhere in misery, right? When you can actually open the door in front of you and begin a new chapter of your adventure.)

Dis-eases are not punishments. They’re light leading you towards a deeper and more expanded level of understanding. They’re doors into spiritual growth.

Any kind of imbalance leads to a certain kind of dis-ease. If you don’t know how imbalance feels like, how would you how balance feels like? Life is an adventure exactly because we’re not spoonfed with the recipe on how to live life in a healthy way. This thought may annoy you at times, especially in situations you find difficult, but I swear you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Freedom is life and life is freedom.

There’s really no point in being continuously anxious. It will only cause more imbalances and then more dis-eases. What I advise you to do is to chill, relax and detach from your mind. Go inwards with a healthy detached perspective. Dig deep to find what’s buried there that caused the imbalances. Try to remember in what ways you neglected and maybe even abused yourself. But it’s important to be in a safe distance as well because there’s no good in identifying with old unhealthy feelings and thoughts again.

Suffering/dying or recovering from a dis-ease is really the last thing you should be concerned with. What you must focus on is figuring out what a dis-ease is trying to tell you and follow the path it leads you to.

What happens to me as your body is something external and something you can’t control. But what happens to you as a spirit is something only you have the power over. It’s also totally pointless whether you end up dying or living longer because of a dis-ease; you’re an eternal being anyway. Your body will die but you will not; you will never.

From this moment on, I ask you to please stop beating yourself up with worries and feelings of guilt and shame. Maybe you’re not comfortable with the word “self forgiveness” because it sounds too heavy and abstract. I know you’re finding it hard to begin. So let me just ask you to detach WHO YOU REALLY ARE with the conditions of your human body and the negative feelings you learned from being a human. Don’t make them a part of your identity because they’re really not. They don’t define you. That would be one of my request and the other would be is for you to start paying more attention and care to yourself from now on.

You can only check with your past if you think doing that will provide you with more understanding towards lasting peace. But if it will only cause you more anxiety then just forget about it. Focusing on the present is what matters, anyway. The Present is all you have and all you ever will.

There really is no need to rush into doing anything. Again, there’s no point in obsessing with living or dying because you’re an eternal being after all! Take your time, listen to your Higher Consciousness and ask The Source for guidance and all your Spiritual Guides  who are always there with you, providing you with unconditional love and unlimited support.

Be still and do what you’re inspired to do in your own Divine Timing.

Activities · Relationships · Self · Women

To the New that I have called and manifested; to the New that is currently at my feet

Let me take a pause and breathe. Please give me some time to finish this weeding out that I have long begun. I don’t wanna do all these things in a hurry because I wanna make sure I’m able to evaluate clearly which I can and cannot bring with me when I take the journey with you.

I don’t have to announce my parting but I have to say goodbye in silence – for myself. I need to feel closure for myself. I want to feel that my growth and conscious decision are making all these possible.

I wanna own all my goodbyes and hellos.

I wanna shed off all the guilt, shame and regret that were left of me. I won’t be needing any of them.

Let me do this in my own thorough way. Let me walk my baby steps. Let me have the chance to sit in the middle of my would-be past with all that I would be leaving and say thank you to the shadows and scents moments, just moments before I grab my bag and get out of the door for good.

I need to know that I’m certain and resolved. I need to know that I’m not coming back.

Art · People · Relationships · Self · Women

On creation, vulnerability and the struggle towards lasting imperviousness

That was a horrible title.

But like the other less, equally or more horrible things about me/I could do, I’m gonna put it out there, raw and semi-permanent on the face of both the virtual and material world.

To be an artist is to create and recreate. To create and recreate is to be vulnerable. To be an artist is to be exposed, criticized, broken down, blown up in unimaginable proportions, taken out of context, diluted, poisoned, wrapped in cheap plastic bags, vandalized or simply ignored and erased from memory.

As an artist, you would continuously find yourself caught up in same type of crossroads: Be authentic and please yourself OR bend over backwards just to please those you want to please (which is practically everybody).

Your feelings can range from a simple existential discomfort to soul-tearing agony. It basically depends on how daring you are in stepping up your game. The more you choose to embrace authenticity, the more you’ll get better on it, the less difficult feelings you’ll get.

To be an artist and a woman is another thing. Combining the two suddenly makes it more complex and intense. Suddenly, others (including fellow ladies) become more critical, too. Layers of standards and prejudices pile up all at once.

It’s not easy for the people around the artist and the woman as well. Sometimes, things disclosed and exposed can get way beyond their reality and understanding.

To love an artist and a woman needs a certain amount of self esteem and unconditional strength and love.You have to be adventurous enough to not only tolerate, but to enjoy and appreciate all the honesty, contractions, contradictions and ecstasy of living in a life of sensitivity and self scrutiny.

But how could life be possibly better lived other than to live it inside out? I know that it’s never easy for someone to be with me. But I still want to do it this way; breaking down walls, building them up, reconstructing bridges, molding the sky. A life like this cultivates courage, strength, humility, forgiveness, love, appreciation and freedom. The truth is, others’ opinions – both compliments and criticisms – don’t really matter. We can only learn from our own experiences and observations. The meaning of our lives and the worth of what we do do not really depend on anyone other than ourselves.

Creation, exhibition, humiliation, resurrection – these are all important parts of the journey to self and universal knowing and unconditional love. So suck in your temporary fears and march out in the open. It’s all meaningful. It’s all worth it.