Activities · Relationships · Self · Travel · Work

Important questions to ask yourself now

I took the challenge and answer this long list of questions by the amazing Celestine Chua. It’s a worthwhile activity. You’d have so many new insights and more energy for life once you finish it! Here goes mine:

Who are you? I’m  little girl in a big, infinite universe, learning and having fun. I don’t feel small, though, because I know I am part of all this greatness.

What are you passionate about? I‘m passionate about creating and learning new perspectives. I am passionate about growth and beauty.

What are the achievements you are most proud of? My ability to start over and over again, never losing my openness and faith in life and in myself.

What are you most grateful for in life? My loved ones, my health, my strengths and my introversion.

What are the most important things to you in life? Freedom, faith and fun!

How would you describe yourself? Curious, silly and gutsy.

What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody? Same as my answer above: Freedom, faith and fun!

Do you love yourself? Yes. I am my own ally!

Why or Why not? Because I deserved to be loved!

How can you love yourself more today? By being less fearful and judgmental.

What is your ideal self? What does it mean to be your highest self? My ideal/higher self is free, fun and gutsy.

Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams? Almost! I’m getting there bit by bit. I am the right direction.

If you have one year left to live, what would you do?  Help each of my loved ones in achieving an important goal. Travel the world and share what I pick up along the way. Keep on experiencing new things and learning/growing.

If you have one month left to live, what would you do? Same as my answer above, just condensed into a month. Haha!

If you have one week left to live, what would you do? You little devil. Same as my answers above, just condensed into a week! 

If you have one day left to live, what would you do? Go to a mountaintop and meditate. But seriously, yes that’s what I would do. I would want to be alone on this day.

If you have an hour left to live, what would you do? Write my last blog post.

If you have one minute left to live, what would you do? Meditate.

What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow? I’d be silly with everyone and fun.

What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date? Life is meant to be enjoyed. Joy and fun are at the core of life.

What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago? “Invest in good makeup brushes.” Lol, JK. I would probably give this advise to my 27 yo self “Don’t be too hard on yourself – and everyone. Lighten up!”

If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now? “Get off your buttsy butt and start working out!”

Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go? Yes, I still have a few people who I need to forgive completely. I’m working on it.

What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years? I’m busy with career and self-reflection. Definitely, these two will still be important a few years from now.

What are your Quadrant 2 tasks? Building my career and lifetime relationship.

What opportunities are you looking for? A new career position, more money, opportunity to travel to places I like.

How can you create these opportunities? Growing in my current company, connecting with the right people, asking the universe and the right people.

What are your biggest goals and dreams? Not to work a day of my life, travel and create.

What’s stopping you from pursuing them? …Why? How can you overcome them? I haven-t stopped pursuing them. I’m still headed in the right direction.

If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do? Be a travel photographer.

What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks? Travel the world non-stop.

What do you want to achieve 1 year from now? A more established career position and more money! Aand a more fit body (nice abs and legs, yo)

… 3 years? I want to start living with my partner in a place we both love. I want to put up a business for my mom. 

…5 years? Travel around Europe!

… 10 years? Have kids with my partner and travel the world altogether!

How important are these goals to you? VERY IMPORTANT. Very meaningful.

What if these goals are doubled? Tripled? Magnified by 10? How would you feel? Would you prefer to achieve these or your previous goals? Oh hell yeah! Definitely I want to have and achieve more!

Who are the people who have achieved similar goals? … What can you learn from them? Probably many but I don’t personally know anybody who had.

Are you putting any parts of your life on hold? … Why? Yes, working out! Because I spend so much time at work and commuting to and from. By the end of the day I just want to sleep and have my needed alone time.

What’s the top priority in your life right now? Career and money!

What are you doing about it? I make sure I learn good and fast and that I am vocal with my bosses about my goals and achievements.

If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret? What can you do now to make sure that doesn’t happen? That I was too lazy to work out and that I wasn’t able to forgive completely. I need to start finding a work out routine that I can stick to and I need to release my grudges and understand that they are no longer serving me or anyone else.

For every experience you get: What are the biggest things you have learned? The right decisions would always lead you to freedom and joy.

How can you do this better the next time? By reminding myself of this truth, that life is meant to to be lived and enjoyed.

If you have 1 million dollars, what will you do with it? Help people achieve their most important goals, travel the world and share my journey with others.

Do you love your job? Surprisingly, YES!

What is your ideal career? Having the freedom to be myself and be resourceful, working with people who can help me grow, materially rewarding, provides travel opportunities, provides a lot of growth opportunities for me.

How can you start creating your ideal career starting today? I’m already in it.  I am in the right place, at the right time, with the right people.

What is your ideal diet? Low carb, high in protein and fiber.

What do you need to do to achieve your ideal diet? Have more money so I can afford it.

What is your ideal home like? Cozy and European old-school.

What do you need to do to achieve your ideal home? Have an established career, lots of money and live in Europe.

What is your ideal physical look? I don’t need to lose or gain weight. But I want to be more fit. 

What do you need to do to achieve your ideal physical look? Work out! Lots of strength-training.

What is your ideal life? Doing the work that I love, travelling the world, being with my loved ones, creating, non-stop adventures, growth and expansion.

What can you do to start living your ideal life? I’ve already began!

What would you want to say to yourself 1 year in the future? It’s never too late to start pursuing a dream, a goal! 

…3 years? There’s no limit to what you can desire and achieve. So go crazy!

… 5 years? You’ve only just began. There’s so much more surprises and adventures ahead of you!

… 10 years? Life just keeps on getting better. Brace yourself for more awesomeness and share what you learn and who you are with the world!

What do you fear most in life? Losing everything that matters to me and going blind.

Is there anything you are running away from? Family responsibilities.

Are you settling for less than what you are worth? … Why? Not anymore.

What is your inner dialogue like? You can do anything you set your mind into.

What limiting beliefs are you holding on to? I have limited financial resources so I can’t do much and achieve much, and couldn’t become as interesting as I want to be.

Are they helping you achieve your goals? Yes in a way because it motivates me to achieve my desires and work on them, too.

What empowering beliefs can you take on to help you achieve your goals? Nothing is impossible. So keep your heart open. Desire and pursue your dreams.

What bad habits do you want to break? Avoiding necessary confrontations. Being too lazy to work out.

What good habits do you want to cultivate? A good work out routine that is fun for me so I can stick to it and a healthy diet.

What are the biggest actions you can take now to create the biggest results in your life? Find out a place to work out, make sure I get more pay so I can afford a healthier lifestyle in general.

Where are you living right now – the past, future or present? Present and future.

Are you living your life to the fullest right now? Not really. 

What is the meaning of life? Joy and expansion!

What is your purpose in life? Why do you exist? What is your mission? To expand and have fun!

How can you make your life more meaningful, starting today? By being more involved with the lives of the people I care about.

What drives you? Curiosity and the desire for a better life.

What are the times you are most inspired, most motivated, most charged up? When I am working on something creative, when I am on an adventure, when I have ideas to share.

What did you do during those times? How can you do more of that starting today? Creating, travelling, collaborating/being more outspoken.

How can you change someone’s life for the better today? By inspiring them and sharing some tools/assistance.

Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with? My partner (we’re physically apart but always essentially together), colleagues (let’s compile them as 1 person), family (same as with my colleagues).

Are these people enabling you or holding you back? My partner and colleagues are enabling me, my family is kinda holding me back because they don’t want most of the things that I want for myself.

What qualities do you want to embody? Where can you meet people who embody these qualities? Being free, faithful, gutsy and fun! At work, online, during my travels.

Who inspire you the most? My idol, Frida!

How can you be like them? By being unapologetically true to myself and by spending my life creating from the inside.

What is your ideal life partner like? Independent, strong, committed, loving, mature, creative, adventurous.

Where can you find him/her? I already did. I am already with him 🙂

 

Who is/are the most important person(s) to you in the world? My partner, aside from myself.

Are you giving them the attention you want to give? Yes, definitely.

How can you spend more time with them starting today? If we start living together in a few years from now 😀

What kind of person do you enjoy spending time with? Sensible, smart, passionate with many things, fun, candid, communicative. 

How can you be this person to others? I already am like this to most people.

Who do you want to be like in 1 year? I would like to be more outspoken and adventurous!

… 3 years? I would be more at peace in any situation.

… 5 years? I would like to be more trusting and daring!

… 10 years? I would like to be more fun and accepting.

What is one thing you’re going to do differently after reading this article? Create a more organized and a more compelling bucket list!

 

 

People · Places · Relationships · Self · Travel · Work

What my 2016 experiences have taught me

It’s not only okay to be ourselves, sometimes, it’s, in fact, necessary.

It’s what the situation calls for. Being ourselves may sometimes translate to “rocking the boat”, and we might offend or disappoint people in our circle. This certainly  can be painful to us, too and most of the time we’d do everything to avoid it.

In my case, I didn’t simply wanna avoid it. I TORMENTED MYSELF BECAUSE OF IT. I made myself feel bad for being me and for having the opinions I had which were very different from those around me. I felt bad that I felt bad and different. There was no escape at all but to go inwards and imagine a different scenario, which might eventually lead to some sensible solution, but definitely won’t solve anything at the present moment.

I remember while I was in the middle of my misery, I suddenly had this “eureka moment”. I thought popped up, saying “What if your own unique way of handling this situation is what’s being asked for? What if it’s what’s actually necessary to go through this?”

Then it reminded me of what I already knew: All our varying perspectives matter because we make up the whole picture. Each of us has got something unique and important to contribute. We’re depriving the rest of this gift by backing off and not showing up in the fullness of who we are individually.

I’m less tormented now. LOL. But I’m still not that comfy to be myself completely in all situations. Maybe that’s also a good thing, that I’m always aware and sensitive with regards to how I can perceived by others. We want to be real but we also want to be understood, after all.

It’s totally okay, and in fact, normal to fuck up when you’re learning something very new to you.

This is something I’ve learned a great deal about here at my current job. I’ve always loved and chosen to work in start-ups because there’s always something new. You’re always adapting, learning, expanding. Every day consists of new situations, new challenges, new people to work with. Especially in start-ups, you gotta move fast, too, while doing all these adjustments.

Oh and you know it. When you’re multi-tasking, learning many new things and moving fast, you know you’re gonna fuck up, too, A LOT – in the beginning. And you would usually fuck up in front of your colleagues. It’s a show for everyone to see, though definitely the point is not to humiliate you because after all everybody has been there, too (it still happens from time to time). They have to know so they can help you out and you can problem-solve together for the benefit of all.

It was really uncomfy and THREATENING even, at times, in the beginning. I felt like my ego wanted to die a few deaths on top of each other. Making mistakes and being called out for them still sting until today, though it significantly lessened. What I’ve taken away from those is that I learned so much faster, too, because of my mistakes. I still make mistakes of course, but at least, I am making different kinds now – and better ones, too! – as time goes by.

Furthermore, people don’t really remember when you fucked up (especially if it happened too many times HAHA). What linger on is your attitude afterwards and how fast you learn and how far you’ve come in terms of your development.

I have a little thing to add though, don’t just listen when someone calls you out for your mistake, make sure you really understand his/her point. If you don’t think someone is being sensible (or if you’re simply confused about his/her point), you have all the right to speak out professionally and explain yourself – and you gotta do it. You don’t want people stepping on you, too, like a mat and you don’t wanna leave the impression that you’re just taking orders and that you don’t have a critical mind. Smart people don’t wanna work with doormats, too, you know. They don’t admire people who always say yes to them, they prefer to be around people who say yes to things they really agree with.

You’ll know you’re at the right place, in the right direction with the right people if you get all the support and recognition that you need and deserved.

Both in personal and professional aspects, I used to wonder why despite all my good intentions and hard work, I still hit the wall, I still get let-down and betrayed, even. For a time I thought that the world was just a fucked up place that whatever we do, we’ll still get smacked down over and over again.

I kept on and did my best to float despite the harsh waves and strong pull below. I kept trusting my heart and made decisions with its guidance. I kept on choosing to be brave and move forward with my desires despite the obvious lack of encouragement sometimes (or when it’s apparent that the odds were against me).

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I think I hit the right spot. I hit the jackpot. It wasn’t obvious, though (and I think it usually never is). It’s not a place of rainbows and butterflies, I assure you. No to sound cliche and corny, but for me it’s more like a fertile land of infinite wealth. Why? Because you just know you’ve just reached that place where all the things that are in alignment with your highest good can manifest.

The resources are there, the possibilities are there – all you gotta do is believe, focus AND get down and dirty – in short, DO THE WORK! You’ll always gonna do the work anyway, right, the only difference is that when you’ve reached this place, you’ll really feel the results you wanna get from all your beliefs and hard work. Not only that, many times, the reality will even exceed your fantasies. Hell yeah, because you’re never on your own. The Universe collaborates with you! Therefore you’ll never run low of amazing surprises! You can have your own time to rest, too!

You’ll really feel this extra push (which sometimes even feel like physical) to the direction you wanna go. The Universe lifts and pushes and pulls for us when we are in the path that is in tuned with our higher self – therefore with all of creation.

*

Given all of these, I think it’s accurate to say that I’ve scratched a bit of the surface last year and this makes me less stupid and scared now to proceed with all the possibilities ahead this year. My heart is filled with gratitude to all those who graced my path with their presence! CHEERS to your year, too!

Activities · Relationships · Self · Travel

Wrapping things up

I used to think that all I needed to do to start my life again was to get away and cut all the things that I thought were weighing me down. I thought that would work. I even thought it was my only option.

Events unfolded, insights surfaced and transformations happened internally. It recently dawned on me after so much pushing and pulling that what I really needed was healing. I need to confront all the things that I want to change in my life and not escape them. I need to make peace with them. To be able to do that, I have to look at myself and fearlessly be honest with the issues that I need to work through and resolve.

It’s true that for some people, leaving and starting again in a different place, hoping to be a different person may be the best option in the beginning. Maybe that’s also the only way how to begin again especially if their current situation is life-threatening. However, even those people who are able to do that eventually have to go back again to their past, to the roots of the pain and heal them.

What I’ve realized was that if we leave without making peace with what was we couldn’t move forward because all that we would be bringing with us wherever we go was the exact frustration that we had. We would be unconsciously using this frustration as a filter for how we perceive our life in whatever form we shape it to be.

We have different processes of healing and different timelines. It depends on our level of suffering, our level of awareness, the amount and kind of support that we have and most of all our level of openness to our authentic selves and our willingness to grow. Some issues take years, decades, lifetimes to heal. Some only take hours, days, a minute. We could make the process slower or faster.

I’ve learned that the process doesn’t really have to be agonizing and long. The Universe doesn’t require us to suffer in order to grow. In fact, it doesn’t want us to suffer at all. We are the ones who are making ourselves suffer by resisting the natural flow of growth that are always happening in our core. By surrendering to the rhythm of our transformation we will not only relieve ourselves from suffering, we would above all, speed up the process. We’re already aided by the unseen forces of the Universe all the time, in all our lives. The best thing we could do is to surrender and simply follow what our spirit is inspired to do.

It took me a long while to come to this place of understanding and resolution. I felt like a caterpillar in its pupa for ages. Gladly, I’ve surrendered to the process of transformation so the Universe can do its magic on me. I smell the winds of an upcoming change. It’s big. It’s major. I feel like I can actually use my new wings to fly. I feel like I can actually own my power and take control of my life for the first time.

I’m ready to go out into the world again soon. I am ready to participate in the process of co-creation again soon. This time, with more wisdom of how things work and more capable of using my divine powers that have always been my birthright.

Thank you, Basel, for providing me the space to rest and recollect myself. Thank you for your beauty, your diversity, your acceptance, your free spirit. Thank you for always being nice to me, for never expecting anything in return except for enjoying my time with guiltless pleasure. Forgive me for not appreciating you sometimes and for projecting my frustrations on you. These months with you have been very lovely. I need to leave soon to wrap some things up back where I came from. I wish to see you again when I have found my center, when I am more authentic, when I am more confident. You’ll always be in my mind and heart. I’ll be bringing your peaceful and beautiful energy with me wherever I go.

Activities · Travel

The period of cleansing has officially begun

My higher self gave me an instruction in my dream last night. At first, she made me feel how I was before and showed me the situations in my life which reflected it. In all aspects of my life, I remembered always feeling small, weak, frustrated, abused – and in general, victimized. It made me realize how different my life is now and how better it is becoming. I am a totally different person now and the emotions I have are different as well.

I realized that we interpret the circumstances in our life from the point of view of our emotions. As Gigi Young said, emotions equal perspective. It didn’t matter much what kinds of situations I was attracting in my life – what mattered most was how I perceived and interpreted them. I could have all the love, abundance and success but I could still feel small and anxious if that was how I was really feeling inside. On the other hand, I would really attract the people, jobs, objects, experiences in my life which reflected my emotions. It goes both ways.

After showing me my past, my higher self instructed me to get a candle, light it up, put all the negative energies I had in my past (and all that are still clinging to me at present) and let the candle melt, releasing all of them so I could start from a clear core.

I am highly grateful and humbled by this gesture. I don’ feel lost anymore in my path. As days pass by and as I meditate more often, I get more direct and clear guidance anytime – awake and asleep. Meditation really opens doors to miraculous transformations spiritually and materially.

Activities · People · Places · Self · Travel · Women

My Soul’s Journey

This morning I had the inspiration to meditate on my soul’s journey. My intention was to understand it more so I can better understand the events in my 3D life and how I can better navigate it to the benefit of all the parts of my selves, all my parallel lives.

I found this powerful meditation music on YouTube. I usually prefer to listen to an audio guide or a meditation music when I want to address a certain issue. It is more effective for me and more enjoyable, too. As always, I believe that nothing is random. We get what is the reflection of our subconscious. Even our imaginations are not random. I knew that this I bumped into this music because it is related to my soul journey and therefore it was right for me to use it.

This is what I experienced:

I was in the middle of a dessert, sitting in a lotus position on a cliff. I was facing these rocky mountains. The sky was clear and I could see the clouds floating calmly.

Suddenly a man came with a camel carrying all sorts of stuff. It looked like he was traveling. His energy was calm and so was the animal.

Moments passed by and more people came, too, on foot, with their animals. Men, women, children, all with their belongings with them. They’re walking in a coordinated way, as if they’re following an invisible line. When I zoomed into them to know more  about what’s going on, I found out that they’re migrating to a place together but they were all inside themselves, reflecting/meditating/praying. They’re not talking to each other, they’ll just sometimes glance at each other or assist each other with carrying their loads.

They were in this meditative state because their souls were hungry for it. Their souls wanted to do it. They accepted this as part of their fate, their journey. They didn’t question it. They were moving because they were following the music in their heart, leading them the way. It’s like a magnet pulling them to a place they didn’t really know where. For them, the journey was more important than the destination. In fact, the journey was what it was all about. They were merely creating the destination while they’re in the journey. But they knew that the destination was just a byproduct of their journey, therefore the destination changed, too as they went through their journey.

A woman looked at me and we communicated with our thoughts. She said: “I see you. I see your journey. I honor your journey. We’re together in this journey but we also have our individual journeys that we need to go through.”

The night came. They gathered together around a bonfire. They were playing drums and dancing. They were dancing with eyes closed. Although they gathered together, they were dancing alone, deep inside their spirit. Dancing was their way of cleansing their souls, stripping all the accumulated emotions, beliefs and attachments that no longer served them, that weighed them down. As I saw them danced, I felt it in myself, too. I saw myself dancing on top of a cliff under the full moon. My eyes were closed and I moved as if I was exorcising the debris of lies which still clung to my spirit. I was crying because it was another way of cleansing my spirit as well. The music stopped. The dancing stopped, too. The people lied down under the night sky filled with stars. They closed their eyes.

The next morning came, the people packed their bags and started to walk again. This time, they felt more alive, more energetic – lighter. Their heads were clearer. They started to smile to each other, too and whistle from time to time. This time they moved faster, too, and I noticed that animals were walking, crawling and running alongside them: goats, lions, elephants, giraffes, horses, snakes, insects. Different kinds of birds were flying above them, moving in the same direction. The trees gave way to them and helped them move forward. It’s as if by cleansing themselves the night before, they’re able to go back to being part of nature again. They become One again.

This explains my longing to just go deep inside me, reflect, listen and understand from that place. I never really felt a pull to do something in particular even though I have achieved many things, explored and experimented and created all my life. The things that I have done would always take me back to that meditative state and see the world from the silence of my spirit.

Maybe my current life is about the journey of meditating and cleansing my spirit, of removing all the debris that are weighing me down. It is about going back to my divine nature and the fact that I am one with everything. It is also about being present and remembering that we create our destination as we go through our journey, so nothing is ever permanent.

Every outcome shifts and they shift depending on who we are becoming.

This leads me to think that maybe I have to stop berating myself for not knowing where to go, not having a “life purpose” or a pull to do something in particular.

This is MY PULL. My pull is to go inwards, because that is the only way I could move forward my journey.

There are no sign posts or maps to guide me through, only the pull of my soul can guide me.

Activities · Relationships · Self · Travel

My farewell post, with all my heart

I’m officially leaving my home country this evening. Although the outcome of my journey is still uncertain, I am resolved about my reasons for this decision to leave. I am sure of what I want to happen next.

This is not a spontaneous act. My experiences in the recent years have led me to this. I am leaving because (in no particular order):

  1. I personally felt at home in that place the first time I went there. I just knew that it’s a place I can live and thrive in (even if I don’t speak its language). It welcomed me, it understood me. I felt at peace.
  2. I’ve already tried my best to create a successful career and personal life here in my home country but after a decade all I still get is one disappointment after the other. Going from one frustrating job to the other, going through the ruthless everyday traffic, difficulties in public transportation and pollution, bearing the inhumanely low pay and the rising cost of living…this is not the way I wanna live for the rest of my life. It’s not just physically tiring, it’s soul-crushing. I can’t just watch myself die while I’m still alive.
  3. Like most Filipinos who work abroad, I want to earn enough so I can provide not just for myself but mostly for my family. I want to save up for my parents’ retirement. I want to fulfill my mother’s dreams of having her own business. I want to help my working brothers with their financial needs. Their income in this country will never be enough for them to have a comfortable life. I want to provide my brother with special needs all the things that will give him security, comfort and joy. His physical situation is already difficult and he’s been through a lot. I want to provide him with a life that he enjoys. I want to relieve my family of their financial worries. I don’t have plans yet of having my own kids. I’m gonna dedicate this new decade of my life for my family.
  4. My partner lives in this foreign land. Since I already have plans of working abroad, and since I already like that place and we’re in a committed relationship, why don’t I just move in with him there? We have long figured out that it’s for the best of everyone if we live there instead of here in the Philippines. Likewise, we both know that long distance relationships can only work for some time. We gotta be together eventually. We feel that we are both ready now to take our relationship to the next level. I have been blessed with a partner who is fully committed to our relationship, who genuinely wants to share his life with me, who takes care of me and who supports my dreams and plans all the way. I want to keep and develop this relationship. I’m committed to it. I see a life of joy, abundance and expansion with him.
  5. I have long term plans of serving my people. I want to save up and build a shelter for women and children. I still haven’t figured out what exactly it’s gonna be like but I want to focus on people’s empowerment. I imagine spending the last decades of my life with the poor and the ones who need the most help.
  6. Finally, in the deepest depths of my heart, I am longing to find that kind of work that I am meant to do, that work that would fill my life with meaning, that work that would give me reasons for me to better myself and use all the talents, the skills, the wisdom I’ve been blessed with. I wanna do the kind of work that would make me stretch my comfort zone and expand the way I perceive life. I haven’t found it here in my home country, I wanna take my chances to find it in that foreign place where I’m going to.

I have been quite emotional these past few weeks thinking about all these things. I have my fears and worries as well. I’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions.

I feel thrilled and adventurous for what lies ahead but I also feel lonely for what I will leave behind. I understand that once I take this step, once I say yes to this, my life is gonna be forever changed.

I have been very sentimental lately. I would suddenly burst into crying. I would always think about my family. I’m gonna miss them so much especially my mom and my youngest brother (I’m even teary-eyed again now as I type this).

It breaks my heart not to be able to hug and kiss my brother, DJ every time I want to.

I’m gonna do my best not to lose the closeness of my relationship with them. They’re still gonna be a part of my daily life wherever I may be.

On the other hand, I feel at peace to leave Munchkin because I know that he’s gonna be taken care of. I hugged him this morning and told him that. I told him that he need not worry because my family is gonna look after him. I thanked him, too, for his love and all the joy he brought into my life.

For the most part, I cry because of all the love that I feel. There is no other way to express my gratitude for everyone who’s loved me and brought joy into my life. All these are magnified when you’re about to leave or make some life changes (I’m crying again now!). You take a good look at your life and all that lights up is love. You can forget everything but the love that you share with the important people in your life. You begin to look back and read your life as a story about nothing but love, grace and joy. Everything else fades out.

I’m glad to have had the chance to go through this roller coaster ride of emotions before I leave. I needed it and I know that having been able to go through it is gonna help me out a lot in adapting to the changes that are coming soon.

I need to be kind to myself because I’m going through a major transformation. It feels like I’m going through a tunnel that would take me to a different dimension. Many issues that I need to address are waiting for me on the other side. I need to face my life on all fronts.

I need to adapt to my new environment. I need to create a new life. I need to grow new roots. I need to make myself feel at home in it. I need to work hard and persevere to attain my goals. I need to give my best efforts to take care of my relationship with my partner as well. I have to allow myself to learn how it is to live with a partner, to go through life with him and grow with him in the process.

The best part is, no matter how overwhelming all these could be, I feel prepared. My spirit is ready for this change.

I trust the unfolding of my path with all my heart. I surrender to the process completely. I have faith that I am taken care of and that everything is gonna be fine.

I have faith that I haven’t even imagined yet all the possible good outcomes. I am in for a thrilling ride and I am so proud of myself for having the guts to do this.

Whatever happens to me along the way, I am at peace knowing that I’ve made myself into the kind of person who stands for expansion, who has so much love in her heart and who has a faith bigger than her biggest fears, deeper than her deepest sadness.

 

Activities · Art · Self · Travel

To my deathless dreams

After posting this on Facebook: “I want to stop doing (most of) what I’m doing so I could finally start doing what I want to do.”

Someone asked me: “Like what?”

And then I gave myself a couple of days (!) to reflect and answer that question as simple and as direct as possible. I came up with this:

All I really want to do for the rest of my life are these (in order of importance for me):

1. Pursue art (drawing, painting, street painting, photography). My ultimate dream is to become a street visual artist! Oh c’mon, just let me paint on walls!

2. Travel the world, experience, explore, share and love!

3. Contribute to the healing of others (in what way, I still don’t know).

4. Keep on writing (poetry, essays, screenplays).

5. Create solo film projects: documentary and experimental.

That would be all I want to do for the rest of my life. I have already laid out the picture of what my authentic life looks like.

Well for the past years I’ve been involved in many interrelated and multidisciplinary fields. None of which was a waste of time. All of those helped me become the person who I am today with the kinds of skills and dreams I wish to pursue. Actually, I’ve already began doing all of those. I just have to create enough space in my life to focus on them.

Dear Universe, if it’s meant to be please help me make it happen. Please let it be.

Places · Self · Travel

Dear Promo Plane Fares

You are not gonna be successful in luring me to buy a roundtrip ticket to somewhere I’m not dying to go to. I know sale promos operate that way – they trick the consumers into buying stuff they don’t really need or want but buy them anyway because their prices are way lower than the usual.

I’d rather save up and wait until I could visit one of those on my list again. So what if it takes me years? I’m not settling for mediocrity.

I took this photo in Paris, France (2013).
I took this photo in Paris, France (2013).
People · Relationships · Self · Travel

My Dearest Stranger Soulmate

All along I thought it was only me who felt it: the strange, alive and extremely unforgettable connection between us.

I know you’ve said it before, perhaps a couple of times, “I’ve never been this close to someone.” and “I feel like I’ve known you for years!”. Perhaps, I didn’t take it quite seriously then because I thought it was just a one-night stand for you and that you were used to one-night stands. But apparently, I was wrong. We’ll be celebrating the first anniversary of our only memorable night pretty soon and you still haven’t moved on (what a surprise) from that night (I haven’t, too and I couldn’t). You just told me a few days ago that you always think about the feelings you had with me, that you felt like you have known me for years and that you still haven’t felt that close to anybody.

Like me, you couldn’t forget the fun and the incredible feelings (incredible was your word, baby) we had with each other. All along I thought that that night was given by the universe TO ME and to me alone. Now I realize that it was also for you. You were deeply affected by that night. It warms and pains my heart at the same time. I feel warmth because I had the chance to experience that. I had the chance of meeting you. On the other hand, it hurts me because I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again or when or where (though we both are wishing to).

It makes me kind of lonely to think that I might not be able to feel that kind of connection, intensity, fun and freedom again.

We connected, I believe, because we were alike in  many ways. We were both open to life at that time. We were both frank in all the sincere, sweet, awkward, harsh and funny ways. We both liked the same kind of sex (which was not really passionate, but more of friendly, fun, light, and dirty!). Surprisingly, we even had the same interests (photography, films, cooking, among others).

You told me you felt as though you knew how I wanted to feel and that I knew how you wanted to feel, too. Actually, I disagree on that statement. We really didn’t do anything amazing on its own that night. We had some skills, yes but I believe we just acted naturally. We didn’t know what each other wanted. How could we? We just met that night! We didn’t even talk much before having sex (or even during). It just so happened that we affected each other perfectly.

Everything you did felt perfect to me. My entire body, mind and spirit just responded to you. It surrendered to you. You could’ve merely touched my elbow and I’d be orgasmic. Seriously!

And I knew the same thing happened to you. You could never forget me and that night because of the novelty and strangeness of those intense and fun feelings.

I also believe that another major reason why we couldn’t forget it is because on that night, we were in our most absolute presence.

We soaked ourselves in the moment. All our senses were alive and in sync. That’s the reason why after almost a year, we could still relive the moment. It’s all about fate and presence.

I still don’t understand why the universe let us meet less than 48 hours before I leave the place where we met (to think that I’ve been there for three months!). I catch myself asking the question I’ve asked you before, “What do you think would have happened if we met earlier? If we spent more time together?” (to which you replied: “Maybe, you wouldn’t leave.”). I just couldn’t help myself from asking because it felt as though the universe wanted us to meet and change in profound ways but it didn’t want us to stay together and have a relationship. And. I. Just. Could. Not. Understand. Why. (I’m a stubborn little human being, I know.)

While sex is just one form of communicating with another soul – and we did connect amazingly! – it should not be dismissed as a petty thing – just sex – when in fact it could lead us to the most intensely liberating and spiritual experiences of our lives (and I’m not even exaggerating here, you know that.). It broke the walls between our two souls that otherwise won’t be broken by other means of communication (also, given that short amount of time).

I know we both long to be together again and it’s not only because of sex but more so because we’d like to feel that intense connection and liberation and fun again that we’ve only felt with each other so far. But I also know that since we have all these limitations in our situation, meeting again looks like a sweet fantasy for now. We have to move on with our lives, reach our goals, meet new people, enrich our relationships, fall in and out of love (like what just happened to me) and grow up. We don’t want to pressure ourselves and each other, and I like how we do it.

When we talk, you bring out the sunshine in me. I hope I bring out the sunshine in you as well.

You’ve given me not just the perfect kiss which I thought only existed in my imagination but so much more. You didn’t just accept me bare-naked and all (literally and figuratively) but you’ve shown me how amazing I really was, and still am. Recalling how you’ve made me feel is enough to dissolve my insecurities when they try to creep up on me time and time again. It’s amazing how an apparent stranger like you could make me feel that way. But perhaps, it’s exactly because you’re a stranger. You’re capable of seeing who I really was.

You have a good heart and a really beautiful soul. Whether we meet again or not, please remember that I will forever cherish our night and all the things that came with it and I will always have loving thoughts for you.

You already have a piece of me that only you will ever have.

Activities · Art · Business · People · Self · Travel · Women

To KatKat, my seven year old self

Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 1.32.56 PM

Remember when you were small? All you’ve ever dreamed of was to travel and read (you thought it was that humble and simple). Once you said you wanted to be a doctor because that’s a noble thing to do, but then you realized it was your mother’s dream, not yours. Then you said you wanted to be a painter, but later on decided that you won’t want to take your first love seriously because you’re afraid it might not love you back. Then you said you wanted to become a nun, not because you’re religious, but only because nuns didn’t get married. Then you decided to be an entrepreneur. You’d run your own empire in your own stylish way. You could even visualize how you would look like as a successful, single, sophisticated and confident entrepreneur.

Two decades after, here I am. I haven’t become a doctor but I’ve been serving the people for quite some time now. I’ve learned how to do it first when I was in college, when I became an activist. Being with the urban poor masses taught me what it means to really “Serve. The. People.”. I’ve learned who these “People” are, I’ve learned how they live and struggle and what they need. There are many ways to serve the people, and it’s not just by becoming a doctor. This time, too, I didn’t do it because my mother wanted to (in fact, she hated every single moment of it) but because I did. I chose that definite path of service.

Aha and I became a painter, too, just like what you wanted! It didn’t happen the way you imagined it would; going to art school and eventually holding solo exhibits in air-conditioned galleries. I was at the one of the lowest moments of my life. I was alone and healing from depression. That’s when I started to paint.

I started free painting in Microsoft Paint. Then when I’ve realized I’ve already collected a lot of works, I decided to paint on canvas cloth using the usual bookstore fabric paint. But instead of having my works framed and displayed, I turned them into bags (since I loved bags and I wanted to create things that would not just be displayed but would be useful to people). I made hand-painted canvas bags!

And yes, I was able to sell these hand-painted bags. There were people who were actually willing to pay for them. So the entrepreneur dream was born! The business was put in the back of my mind for a while. But now I’m planning to launch it again soon. This time with more ideas and better sense of organization.

Aside from that I also became a production manager, researcher, stylist, fashion and travel photographer, now I’m in a non-profit organization pushing for drug policy change as a marketing officer. I’ve written poems that were published online and that were transformed into parts of a stage play by a very talented theater group.

KatKat, I’ve met amazing people! I’ve been to amazing places! I’ve fallen in love, gut stuck in the mud (yes, the two were related), fucked up so many times, learned and transformed myself so many times as well, got hurt, have hurt others, have forgiven others and myself, learned how life worked over and over and over again.

I still don’t want to get married and I don’t want to have my own kids. But I don’t need to be a nun now for me to able to do that. I just need to decide and follow that path even if that path might also lead me to where I didn’t expect I would be (like what I always say, I could get married at age 50 with a free-spirited man like me, or I could be in a relationship with a woman, that’s also possible).

I’ve finally learned how to take care of myself now, how to make myself feel good and look good. I’m comfortable now in my own skin and this includes being comfortable to all the changes that is taking place and that will soon take place. I’ve learned who to love and how to love. It took a lot of heartaches and tons of strength to be humble before I reached this part. I’m still learning.

I was not able to fulfill your dreams in ways you would’ve wanted, only because God knows how we could best learn our lessons. I’ve also learned how to stop comparing myself to others. Each of us has her/his own path. It took me years of insecurity and struggle but it’s worth it. I am relishing every minute of it now.

I still haven’t achieved your dream of a life of travel (and reading and not working for money’s sake) but I constantly travel for more or less three years now. I save up to travel. I look forward to my travels. I learn from my travels. The best thing is, I travel to places that assist me in my personal and spiritual growth and development and not just to places that are famous to tourists. And I read, too! Reading and traveling have both been part of my growth.
I’ve healed some really old and deep wounds as well. I’ve won over many of my most stubborn weaknesses and fears.
More than all the things I’ve accomplished, what I am most proud of are my battle scars. I’ve fought for who I was and who I’ve become.
I’m confident that I would be able to fight for who I want to become eventually (we are always in the process of becoming, after all). I may have disappointed you and the people who care about me in many ways, but here I am, I believe I’ve become who God thought I was supposed to be.
Ssshhhh, don’t say it. You don’t have to say anything. I’m fully grateful and empowered being in the present (I know you can see how satisfied I am).
I am a fighter and I am able to keep on fighting for a life of authenticity. I know you’re proud of me.