People · Relationships · Self

Each relationship runs its own course

The other day I asked my higher self why despite working on my relationship with this particular person (I’m not talking about my life partner), why won’t it lead to more affection and more intimacy?

That’s what this post is about.

My higher self gave me this profound answer:

Each relationship runs its own course. Achieving complete connection between two people doesn’t always translate to more affection and more intimacy. It doesn’t mean you’re gonna be sharing more of yourselves or having more fun and meaningful experiences together. In some relationships, complete connection manifests in calmness, in the absence of conflict (when there used to be a lot of it), in the absence of the desire to control the other to adhere to one’s expectations. Sometimes complete connection simply means honoring the differences between the two of you and respecting the uniqueness of the other. Sometimes, two people simply have more differences than similarities that sharing more experiences together is more of a struggle than something which happens naturally.

I’ve always wanted my relationship with this person to be full of sharing and understanding. I want us to help each other go through our lives and achieve what we define for ourselves as success. But the more I struggle for that to happen the more that I feel frustrated. Maybe it’s time for me to realize that the idea of what our relationship could be is just and will remain to be a fantasy. Maybe it’s never meant to be that way. Maybe how we are at present is how it’s all ever going to be and that our relationship has ran its own course. I should be at peace with it and stop myself from trying to get more out of it/or stop myself from pushing it to be something it’s not and will never be.

Activities · Self

Self-restraint and choosing your battles wisely

Recently, I went back to animal totem/spirit animal meditations. I am really the kind of person who is more attuned to animal energy and wisdom because I am able to receive them more clearly. They don’t beat around the bushes, they don’t say much, but when they do – it’s exactly the core messages that I need to hear.

I’ve met a giant eagle and a female wolf lately.

The giant eagle was my recent (and maybe my current) spirit animal. I sensed a male energy. He told me that his secret to success (which translates to self-confidence, strength and freedom) was his ability to choose his battles.

He told me that I was predisposed to feeling overwhelmed because I didn’t know how to pick my battles. I would fight other people’s fights, therefore, I wouldn’t get the results that I wanted and I would feel drained, seething with resentment.

On the other hand, when I decided to meditate and meet not my spirit animal, but my animal totem, which means the representation of my human energy/personality, I met a female wolf. I asked her name and she said her name was Selena. Selena has lived 81 lifetimes as a wolf, according to her. She said sometimes she died too soon, sometimes she died of old age, sometimes she was reckless and emotional and didn’t know self-restraint and this would cause her untimely deaths. She told me that if there’s only one lesson that I can master, she said I should learn self-restraint. She said I should learn how to choose my battles. She told me to use all my sharp senses – smell, feeling, intuition, sight – to assess a situation, a person. She told me that using all my abilities will enable me to come up with the best possible way to respond in every occasion.

She said that I should know how to differentiate between a perceived danger and an actual threat. She explained that sometimes we simply feel threatened but we’re not really in danger – and that there is a huge difference between the two.

The first one is subjective and mostly based on our personal emotions, thoughts and history while the second one is the objective threat, in which the threat would  be obvious to anybody looking from the outside of the situation. She said that it took her 81 lifetimes to gain that wisdom and to master her own emotions.

She clarified that based on her experiences, actually most of the times the best thing to do is to simply walk away. She said that there are very few instances in life where something is really worth a fight. Better to reserve your energy for those instances.

She said that she manifested in my personality during those moments when in the heat of an argument (or a coming argument) I was able able to step back and turn all my senses on to assess the situation and apply self-restraint enough to keep quiet and not react prematurely. She said that behind that is unimaginable strength that has more worth than we have ever thought.

Activities · Relationships · Self · Work

Three things

Three things I’m grateful for:

1.My asthma. Blasphemous as it may sound, but the return of my asthma 3 years ago has contributed a lot to my choices to pivot my life in life-affirming directions. My asthma has served as my compass in making healthy choices for myself. I’m just recovering from a severe asthma attack which started more than a week ago (which is not over as I’m writing this). At first I was annoyed by it, but now I’m grateful for it because without I won’t be forced to stay still, look at myself and look at my life and make the commitment on changing what needs to be changed. I’m so grateful that my body never lies to me and never betrays me. My body has no ego. All it cares about is my well being.

2.My family – that includes my partner, my biological family and my dogs – who has always replenished my soul when it’s depleted of energy, and who has always been so transparent and open in needing and wanting my presence and light. The way I see family now has transformed so much. I am grateful to have them as my anchor as I go through the turbulence of my journey.

3. My army of guides who never, ever get tired of me, who never give up on me and who are always rooting for me. During my most vulnerable times, they are who I reach out for. When I am in doubt, in guilt, in shame – they’re the ones I speak my mind and heart to. They never judge me, they only always help me get the enlightenment that I need. They help me find my truth when I’m having a hard time doing it on my own. They cheer me up, they take care of me and they also take care of my affairs for me when I can’t.

 

Three things I’m excited about:

1.The changes I’m gonna apply to my life. I’ve already started actually. I am excited of all the things I am gonna start doing to transform my relationships, mostly. I am excited to start being open to life again, after being bruised and disillusioned. I’m ready and willing to embrace all of it again.

2.Finding and starting a new curiosity. I am the kind of person who keeps on tryin’ out new things that interests me. I don’t know which among my curiosities I’m gonna follow through next but I’m excited, still. I’m ready for something new and exciting to me. I’m ready to learn something new again.

3. I’m excited to transform myself. I’ve had major self-transformations within the 30 years of my life so far. Hmm I think this will my 6th. I’m all ready for Superdaenamite version 6.0!

 

Three things that’s missing in my life/myself that I’d like to have more of/become:

1. I want more action. I want to participate more. I wanna move my body, basically. There’s an aching my to work out or dance.

2. I want more transparency in my life. I want to bring out the fullness of my natural candidness. This will add a new level of depth to all my relationships.

3.I want more feminine energy in my life. I want to stop being scared of being feminine. I’m already feminine of course, but I feel like a fraud many times. I feel like I don’t wanna get myself too exposed so I don’t fully express my feminine side. I want to liberate it and embrace it. I want it to soar and create its own magic.

 

Three things I want to change/let go of:

1.Competition. Work has become more and more competitive lately. While I know it can produce good work and push people to be their best, I still don’t believe that it’s the only and the best source of motivation. I also have to admit that it doesn’t resonate with my truth. I am not a naturally competitive person. Even when I look back to my years and grade school and high school when the system would rank you according to who’s the best and the smartest academically. I experienced being at the top a few times. From nursery to my last year in high school, I have always been among the top performing students. But I never felt motivated by competition. I was never competitive with my classmates. I was just used to giving my best in what I chose to do and taking my studies seriously. It mattered to me. It just so happened that my efforts produced good results and good grades. It’s just not me. I am not a competitive person. I wanna let go of trying to keep up with my competitive colleagues. It’s driving me sick – literally.

2.Being unforgiving and not taking the fullness of one’s humanity. I’ve held on to my frustrations which turned into stubborn and thick resentments for so long that it also drove me sick. I gotta be wiser and more open to accept humanity with all its awesomeness and also stupidity.

3. Prioritizing what other people think about me or what I do. This is the real killer. My self-esteem sunk because of this attitude. When you do this, you’ll immediately kill your fairy spirit inside. You’re gonna take off the light on her, seal her mouth shut and suffocate her. It’s real murder to the spirit. We all need to listen to what others say only as a way to correct our course of actions. But if we do it full-time, and with regards to all the things we do, then that is a sure recipe to self-sabotaging. We usually don’t now how bad it can get – until it gets really bad and we’re in the pits.