I have been wanting to write about fear recently. But I’ve always felt incapable to do so, as if my thoughts were not complete yet, not coherent and rich enough to make sense yet. Until I meditated.
In my meditation, I found myself in a cave. There was an opening above me. The sunlight passed through down on me and I could see the leaves of the plants and the trees above. In front of me was a waterfall. It was facing me like a mirror. I was curled up like a ball in front of it. I knew I had to raise my chin and look at my own reflection and maybe stand up to see myself better. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.
I was sobbing and my resistance was very strong.
A voice asked me why won’t I look at my reflection. I said I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. It was hurtful to do so. I struggled and cried but I did manage to look at my reflection.
I saw a statue-like image in front of me. My face was white. My entire body was white. I was wearing a long dress, like a robe, which stretched on to the floor. I looked like a statue, a white stone statue. I noticed some things on my back like wings. I asked the voice if they were wings and if I was indeed an angel. The voice said it didn’t matter. Who I was was divine.
I stopped sobbing. My cricket guide appeared. He invited me to go deeper into the cave. I found candles lined up in a circle. Slowly, a ghost appeared in front of me. I was a woman. Her eyes were closed. She said that I should awaken the snake inside me. At first it wasn’t clear to me. I thought she was referring to a dragon. But eventually the image solidified. The woman disappeared and she was replaced by a snake.
The snake told me to PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR RHYTHM. I asked him what he meant. He said he was referring to the rhythm of my own transformation.
The snake told me that I should BE STILL. BE CALM. BE QUIET. He would repeat it every time I would resist and my fears and doubts would take over me.
He even invited the spirit of my partner. My partner told me that I should follow what brought me joy; something that I found meaningful and that I was good at. He said that I shouldn’t worry about him or our relationship. He said we were tied to each other eternally. He said that he’s always there whether I ask for his presence and help or not. He told me to simply seek for his hand and I would find it. He would hold my hand instantly.
I asked the snake what should I do next. What should be my next priority. The snake said in the clearest of words: DO THE THING THAT SCARES YOU THE MOST.
He said that fears were simply doors to transformations. He said that if we accepted the invitation and walked in the doors, we will transcend our limits one after the other. He said that our fears lead us to the parts of us that needed to be conquered and integrated into our eternally powerful spirit.
Immediately after he said this, I knew what he was referring to.
I was being called to start the real work. I have just been invited to start the journey to confront myself, to purify myself of wrong beliefs and behaviors, to make amends for all the things that I’ve done to cause pain and distress to the people around me, to face my shadows and own them and to heal what needed healing instead of always wishing to escape.
I resisted to face my own reflection because it’s painful to see your own divinity as well. It hurt me to accept that no matter how ashamed I may be of myself, the truth was, my divine nature would never cease to be. It made me feel unworthy and also sad that I kept on turning my back on it.
The snake reminded me for the last time to BE STILL. BE CALM. BE QUIET. He said that time didn’t exist in the cosmos so I can do this for as long as I needed to. He said that he will go through this process with me from start to finish. I bit my lower lip. I knew I was in for a real crazy and scary ride. But I didn’t resist. I guess it meant, I said yes.