I’m officially leaving my home country this evening. Although the outcome of my journey is still uncertain, I am resolved about my reasons for this decision to leave. I am sure of what I want to happen next.
This is not a spontaneous act. My experiences in the recent years have led me to this. I am leaving because (in no particular order):
- I personally felt at home in that place the first time I went there. I just knew that it’s a place I can live and thrive in (even if I don’t speak its language). It welcomed me, it understood me. I felt at peace.
- I’ve already tried my best to create a successful career and personal life here in my home country but after a decade all I still get is one disappointment after the other. Going from one frustrating job to the other, going through the ruthless everyday traffic, difficulties in public transportation and pollution, bearing the inhumanely low pay and the rising cost of living…this is not the way I wanna live for the rest of my life. It’s not just physically tiring, it’s soul-crushing. I can’t just watch myself die while I’m still alive.
- Like most Filipinos who work abroad, I want to earn enough so I can provide not just for myself but mostly for my family. I want to save up for my parents’ retirement. I want to fulfill my mother’s dreams of having her own business. I want to help my working brothers with their financial needs. Their income in this country will never be enough for them to have a comfortable life. I want to provide my brother with special needs all the things that will give him security, comfort and joy. His physical situation is already difficult and he’s been through a lot. I want to provide him with a life that he enjoys. I want to relieve my family of their financial worries. I don’t have plans yet of having my own kids. I’m gonna dedicate this new decade of my life for my family.
- My partner lives in this foreign land. Since I already have plans of working abroad, and since I already like that place and we’re in a committed relationship, why don’t I just move in with him there? We have long figured out that it’s for the best of everyone if we live there instead of here in the Philippines. Likewise, we both know that long distance relationships can only work for some time. We gotta be together eventually. We feel that we are both ready now to take our relationship to the next level. I have been blessed with a partner who is fully committed to our relationship, who genuinely wants to share his life with me, who takes care of me and who supports my dreams and plans all the way. I want to keep and develop this relationship. I’m committed to it. I see a life of joy, abundance and expansion with him.
- I have long term plans of serving my people. I want to save up and build a shelter for women and children. I still haven’t figured out what exactly it’s gonna be like but I want to focus on people’s empowerment. I imagine spending the last decades of my life with the poor and the ones who need the most help.
- Finally, in the deepest depths of my heart, I am longing to find that kind of work that I am meant to do, that work that would fill my life with meaning, that work that would give me reasons for me to better myself and use all the talents, the skills, the wisdom I’ve been blessed with. I wanna do the kind of work that would make me stretch my comfort zone and expand the way I perceive life. I haven’t found it here in my home country, I wanna take my chances to find it in that foreign place where I’m going to.
I have been quite emotional these past few weeks thinking about all these things. I have my fears and worries as well. I’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions.
I feel thrilled and adventurous for what lies ahead but I also feel lonely for what I will leave behind. I understand that once I take this step, once I say yes to this, my life is gonna be forever changed.
I have been very sentimental lately. I would suddenly burst into crying. I would always think about my family. I’m gonna miss them so much especially my mom and my youngest brother (I’m even teary-eyed again now as I type this).
It breaks my heart not to be able to hug and kiss my brother, DJ every time I want to.
I’m gonna do my best not to lose the closeness of my relationship with them. They’re still gonna be a part of my daily life wherever I may be.
On the other hand, I feel at peace to leave Munchkin because I know that he’s gonna be taken care of. I hugged him this morning and told him that. I told him that he need not worry because my family is gonna look after him. I thanked him, too, for his love and all the joy he brought into my life.
For the most part, I cry because of all the love that I feel. There is no other way to express my gratitude for everyone who’s loved me and brought joy into my life. All these are magnified when you’re about to leave or make some life changes (I’m crying again now!). You take a good look at your life and all that lights up is love. You can forget everything but the love that you share with the important people in your life. You begin to look back and read your life as a story about nothing but love, grace and joy. Everything else fades out.
I’m glad to have had the chance to go through this roller coaster ride of emotions before I leave. I needed it and I know that having been able to go through it is gonna help me out a lot in adapting to the changes that are coming soon.
I need to be kind to myself because I’m going through a major transformation. It feels like I’m going through a tunnel that would take me to a different dimension. Many issues that I need to address are waiting for me on the other side. I need to face my life on all fronts.
I need to adapt to my new environment. I need to create a new life. I need to grow new roots. I need to make myself feel at home in it. I need to work hard and persevere to attain my goals. I need to give my best efforts to take care of my relationship with my partner as well. I have to allow myself to learn how it is to live with a partner, to go through life with him and grow with him in the process.
The best part is, no matter how overwhelming all these could be, I feel prepared. My spirit is ready for this change.
I trust the unfolding of my path with all my heart. I surrender to the process completely. I have faith that I am taken care of and that everything is gonna be fine.
I have faith that I haven’t even imagined yet all the possible good outcomes. I am in for a thrilling ride and I am so proud of myself for having the guts to do this.
Whatever happens to me along the way, I am at peace knowing that I’ve made myself into the kind of person who stands for expansion, who has so much love in her heart and who has a faith bigger than her biggest fears, deeper than her deepest sadness.