This must be ennui.

Sometimes life feels like an obligation. It’s painful, unsatisfactory and totally pointless. Sometimes life just makes me feel tired.

Society says you gotta be passionate in your life. But when you care enough, you just get disappointed, betrayed or people just pull away from you. When you want to be seen, people disappear. When you don’t wanna be seen, people get clingy. People around you feel let down when you’re not happy, as if your feelings always have to be in relation to them.

You teach yourself how to take care of yourself so you can enjoy life to the fullest. But there are times when you ask why you wanna live longer or live in the first place. You try to make yourself feel better by thinking that you make a difference somehow, so all your hard work in becoming a better human and contribute to societal change is not in vain. But most of the time you know your existence doesn’t really matter. You can die any moment and the world won’t even notice. Sometimes you wanna live forever. Most of the time you’re just counting the days ’til you die. Sometimes this thought makes you hate the world, sometimes it liberates you.

The world is a fucked up place. And so are we.


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