People & Relationships

The debate on “forever”, which goes on forever

During lunch, my mom enthusiastically mentioned about the break up of her gay friend with his boyfriend because of a third party. I noticed a certain kind of satisfaction as she was telling the story. It’s like she even felt triumphant to have proven her belief that “forever doesn’t exist”.

I kept silent about it. I didn’t agree nor disagree. I just shared my observation that I didn’t know of any gay man who is in a serious, long-term relationship. I once argued with my mom that maybe the reason why some gay men couldn’t end up in long-term relationships is because they don’t want it to begin with. I believe monogamy is simply not for everybody.

I used to straightforwardly say that I didn’t believe in “forever” that’s why I didn’t believe in marriage. Maybe that response was more out of bitterness and cynicism than an actual, well-thought of belief. Since I met my partner and since we had been together, I realized more and more that there are certain concepts that can only be left to our own faith.

No one can prove if an actual thing which we call “forever” exists outside our imagination to which we can aspire to. Making conclusions based on our limited experiences is obviously naive.

Another argument I would want to point out is that by presupposing that a separate factor exists independently (this time I refer to that thing called “forever”) regardless of our decisions, we are actually washing our hands clean and avoiding all responsibility for the outcome of our relationships. Creating a loving and strong relationship with a partner can be done regardless of the existence of an independent and definite fate. Destiny/fate is not even a part of the equation because nobody decides on how things turn out or how they mean to us but ourselves.

Good relationships are not simply handed down from the heavens and some people are not randomly lucky or unlucky in love.  A good relationship comes out of a deep awareness of oneself, of the other and of the world that we shape and that which shapes us. A good relationship is a result of a series of decisions borne out of this awareness.

Contrary to popular belief, I would say that we always, ALWAYS attract the right person for us. Our partner is our reflection. We attract them and they attract us because we are in alignment with each other. It doesn’t mean we deserve an asshole partner or a shitty relationship. What it means is that there is something within us that attracts them and there is a reason why we let them into our lives and have power over us despite the fact that they’re not good for us. It doesn’t depend on external forces like forever or destiny. It depends on self awareness and self love.

I understand that some people say they use cynicism to protect themselves or their loved ones from getting hurt. But I don’t think we need protection. What we need is empowerment. Blaming forever/destiny for our own poor decisions won’t be helpful as well. We’re just stripping ourselves of our own power by doing so.


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