The title is as uncomfortable as my own feeling towards acceptance…easy acceptance in particular.
I used to be a worry-wart. I stressed about the littlest of things. I held on to the past like my entire sense of self depended on it (and that’s how our ego wants us to believe, actually). I had a huge difficulty forgiving myself and those who have hurt me or have been unfair with me. As you could imagine, it was hell.
I would go on asking for reasons about why things were the way they were and why people did what they did or didn’t do. It felt like I was pulling up every single thing from its tail and hanging it on right in front of my face as I interrogated it at under the harshest light at 3 am.
That habit made me so paranoid and I felt imprisoned inside the scary world I have created myself.
Suddenly, I had a shift. Like with all kinds of revolutions, things happen gradually it seems like nothing ever changes, then it happens suddenly, and you start asking where did it all come from and how could you be so blind not to have foreseen it.
That’s what actually happened with me.
For some reasons, maybe I got so tired figuring things out all the time and making them look bigger and more meaningful that they actually were. Maybe I just got wiser because of my own experiences.
Lately I have been getting responses from the people around me. They were surprised why I didn’t seem to be worrying about anything, including things that they believed I should be worried about (like making stupid and careless, but honest mistakes). They found it weird that I could just easily accepts things. They thought it’s not normal. They believed they should see me at least in a scenario where I panicked or felt crushed and miserable. They didn’t think it’s logical to be calm.
Well, I have to set the record straight. Those things they were referring to were not a matter of life and death…not even close to it. It wasn’t like I was harming anyone without feeling concerned about it. They were referring to petty stuff from cooking and cleaning mistakes…to career and relationships decisions. Of course while the last two ones were life-changing, they were not really that serious when you look at it more closely. And of course you couldn’t compare the weight of cooking and cleaning mistakes with career and relationship decisions…which they also refer to as mistakes.
To be honest, I am not used to it as well. I am not used to this feeling of being calm and accepting. I am so not used to it that I even questioned if there’s something wrong with me. That’s the thing with neuroses. You eventually think it’s normal when you get used to them that you feel abnormal without them. I believe this makes it difficult for some people to transition to a healthier lifestyle. You feel like an alien to yourself. You have created your entire self concept around your neuroses that your ego has learned to depend on them for a sense of validation and security.
I know this is a tricky place to be in but I also know that I’m not gonna be here forever. I’m writing this post because I want to validate and support myself on my journey and the healthy shifts I am consciously deciding to happen in my life.
This is making me uncomfortable but it is teaching me so much about listening to my own guidance system and trusting all the direct spiritual help I’m getting. I remember I quote I heard once from Abraham Hicks, (this is not a direct quote but this is how I remember what she said), “The universe will tell you what you want to know, what your life purpose is, on one condition – you must not listen to what other people say.”
That’s the price to pay for remembering the truth and getting the answers that we all seek. It’s surely difficult but it’s without a doubt, worth it.