Activities · Self · Women

My body wrote me a letter.

And it says:

Learning about a health condition (a dis-ease) is not really about letting you know that you’re doing something wrong with how you live your life and how you relate to yourself because almost always you’re already aware of those things; it’s mostly an indicator that the time has come for you to heal – a reliable, accurate diagnosis only tells you you’re ready to get well and better again. You are ready to change.

Treat it as a key to a door towards a renewed path. You can either take it and proceed with the resolve that you’re gonna do whatever it takes to stay on the path and move forward or you can just look at it and stand there, frozen and miserable. If you look at it this way it would be easier for you to realize which is the better option and you’ll know why it’s better for obvious reasons (It’s just pointless to stand somewhere in misery, right? When you can actually open the door in front of you and begin a new chapter of your adventure.)

Dis-eases are not punishments. They’re light leading you towards a deeper and more expanded level of understanding. They’re doors into spiritual growth.

Any kind of imbalance leads to a certain kind of dis-ease. If you don’t know how imbalance feels like, how would you how balance feels like? Life is an adventure exactly because we’re not spoonfed with the recipe on how to live life in a healthy way. This thought may annoy you at times, especially in situations you find difficult, but I swear you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Freedom is life and life is freedom.

There’s really no point in being continuously anxious. It will only cause more imbalances and then more dis-eases. What I advise you to do is to chill, relax and detach from your mind. Go inwards with a healthy detached perspective. Dig deep to find what’s buried there that caused the imbalances. Try to remember in what ways you neglected and maybe even abused yourself. But it’s important to be in a safe distance as well because there’s no good in identifying with old unhealthy feelings and thoughts again.

Suffering/dying or recovering from a dis-ease is really the last thing you should be concerned with. What you must focus on is figuring out what a dis-ease is trying to tell you and follow the path it leads you to.

What happens to me as your body is something external and something you can’t control. But what happens to you as a spirit is something only you have the power over. It’s also totally pointless whether you end up dying or living longer because of a dis-ease; you’re an eternal being anyway. Your body will die but you will not; you will never.

From this moment on, I ask you to please stop beating yourself up with worries and feelings of guilt and shame. Maybe you’re not comfortable with the word “self forgiveness” because it sounds too heavy and abstract. I know you’re finding it hard to begin. So let me just ask you to detach WHO YOU REALLY ARE with the conditions of your human body and the negative feelings you learned from being a human. Don’t make them a part of your identity because they’re really not. They don’t define you. That would be one of my request and the other would be is for you to start paying more attention and care to yourself from now on.

You can only check with your past if you think doing that will provide you with more understanding towards lasting peace. But if it will only cause you more anxiety then just forget about it. Focusing on the present is what matters, anyway. The Present is all you have and all you ever will.

There really is no need to rush into doing anything. Again, there’s no point in obsessing with living or dying because you’re an eternal being after all! Take your time, listen to your Higher Consciousness and ask The Source for guidance and all your Spiritual Guides  who are always there with you, providing you with unconditional love and unlimited support.

Be still and do what you’re inspired to do in your own Divine Timing.

Activities · Relationships · Self · Women

To the New that I have called and manifested; to the New that is currently at my feet

Let me take a pause and breathe. Please give me some time to finish this weeding out that I have long begun. I don’t wanna do all these things in a hurry because I wanna make sure I’m able to evaluate clearly which I can and cannot bring with me when I take the journey with you.

I don’t have to announce my parting but I have to say goodbye in silence – for myself. I need to feel closure for myself. I want to feel that my growth and conscious decision are making all these possible.

I wanna own all my goodbyes and hellos.

I wanna shed off all the guilt, shame and regret that were left of me. I won’t be needing any of them.

Let me do this in my own thorough way. Let me walk my baby steps. Let me have the chance to sit in the middle of my would-be past with all that I would be leaving and say thank you to the shadows and scents moments, just moments before I grab my bag and get out of the door for good.

I need to know that I’m certain and resolved. I need to know that I’m not coming back.

Relationships · Self

It’s one of those days again

Change happens slowly then suddenly. The truth is, we inevitably have to rip some veins and cut some ties loose to complete the process of change. Otherwise, there’s no chance of genuinely breaking free.

Change invites us to rise from our small mindedness and embrace wisdom, to trust in the process of life and how it goes from chaos to organization, from uncertainty to knowing. Finally it teaches us how important these changes are in each of our own metamorphosis and self actualization.

Activities · People · Relationships · Self

Why I love the yoga tree pose

It’s nice to have two legs. It’s nice to stand on two feet. Most probably, it’s better to have two legs and two feet instead of just one or maybe, let’s say, three.

It’s  important to have a strong support system. It’s true that we cannot live alone (but we’re never really alone, anyway). It’s enriching to share our lives with others.

But growing also entails being able to stand alone, like standing on one foot. Time will come that we would have to learn how to find our strength in our core. Eventually we’ll realize the importance of finding our center and balance.

It’s not about being arrogant or being cold and detached. It’s about being decisive and wise enough to assert our own independence.

Independence is necessary in establishing healthy relationships both towards oneself and others. It’s not always good – or even possible – to share everything with someone. A person can only share and take on so much- both the positive and the negative. Our relationships are alive, mutual and organic.We have each of our own needs and preferences.

When I was younger, I used to feel compelled to share everything with my loved ones – my parents, close girl friends, my lover. I even thought it was healthy to do it at all times.

Yes, open communication is important to healthy relationships but not to the point that you’re stepping onto personal boundaries – both yours and others. I’ve come to realize that sharing too much could also lead to stunted personal and relationship growth.

I’ve become more private in celebrating my triumphs and grieving for my losses lately. This is not a sign of moving away from the people I love. This is just my way of moving closer to my Higher, Wiser, Powerful Self.

I need to do this to be more familiar with my own voice and to get better in trusting it. I need to learn how to trust my own wisdom, to shape and express my own opinions and decisions and to feel and express my own feelings without asking for external validation.

I must also learn how to give my relationships the space they need to breathe and thrive. My loved ones are not sponges. My relationships are not dump sites. It doesn’t matter what I dump into them, the fact is they’re simply not places to dump stuff in. *winks

Strength is both found and cultivated in openness and in silence, in complete sharing and independence. Both ways of relating are important in different situations.

I enjoy doing the yoga tree pose not really because of the challenge it brings but mostly because of the peace I get from being fully present in my own existence; knowing that I can be strong and enough in any situation for as long as I stand from the core of my being.

Art · People · Relationships · Self · Women

On creation, vulnerability and the struggle towards lasting imperviousness

That was a horrible title.

But like the other less, equally or more horrible things about me/I could do, I’m gonna put it out there, raw and semi-permanent on the face of both the virtual and material world.

To be an artist is to create and recreate. To create and recreate is to be vulnerable. To be an artist is to be exposed, criticized, broken down, blown up in unimaginable proportions, taken out of context, diluted, poisoned, wrapped in cheap plastic bags, vandalized or simply ignored and erased from memory.

As an artist, you would continuously find yourself caught up in same type of crossroads: Be authentic and please yourself OR bend over backwards just to please those you want to please (which is practically everybody).

Your feelings can range from a simple existential discomfort to soul-tearing agony. It basically depends on how daring you are in stepping up your game. The more you choose to embrace authenticity, the more you’ll get better on it, the less difficult feelings you’ll get.

To be an artist and a woman is another thing. Combining the two suddenly makes it more complex and intense. Suddenly, others (including fellow ladies) become more critical, too. Layers of standards and prejudices pile up all at once.

It’s not easy for the people around the artist and the woman as well. Sometimes, things disclosed and exposed can get way beyond their reality and understanding.

To love an artist and a woman needs a certain amount of self esteem and unconditional strength and love.You have to be adventurous enough to not only tolerate, but to enjoy and appreciate all the honesty, contractions, contradictions and ecstasy of living in a life of sensitivity and self scrutiny.

But how could life be possibly better lived other than to live it inside out? I know that it’s never easy for someone to be with me. But I still want to do it this way; breaking down walls, building them up, reconstructing bridges, molding the sky. A life like this cultivates courage, strength, humility, forgiveness, love, appreciation and freedom. The truth is, others’ opinions – both compliments and criticisms – don’t really matter. We can only learn from our own experiences and observations. The meaning of our lives and the worth of what we do do not really depend on anyone other than ourselves.

Creation, exhibition, humiliation, resurrection – these are all important parts of the journey to self and universal knowing and unconditional love. So suck in your temporary fears and march out in the open. It’s all meaningful. It’s all worth it.

Activities · People · Relationships · Self

Why nothing external ever really matters

This Earthly existence is just a playground for miracles.

Alright, that sounded trippy.

In my attempt to sound less trippy, what I meant was living on Earth and manifesting stuff (ourselves and the objects around us) is just a temporary cosmic play, a practice, a process for us to grow as Spirits.

I’m not trying to convert you into anything. But since you’re reading this then maybe, just maybe, there’s something we can agree upon and transform together.

Your history, your name, how you look like, what you do, how you behave, what kinds of words you use, how much you earn, what you are passionate about, where you have been, what goals are you pursuing, and so on and so forth don’t really define Who You Are.

Those things definitely tell something about your energy and your own unique beauty and light. But they don’t get to your Core. I could never experience who you really are only through those external references.

Okay, so you love coffee, bad TV and fake nails. You lost all your family and friends to addiction, you won in the lottery, your childhood pet died, you traveled the world, launched your dream business, got terribly sick, bought a very expensive house, felt and shared genuine love, faked orgasms, chased rainbows, reinvented yourself, felt better and looked better, gained clarity and depth – then lost them, learned how to dance, cook and be more honest at the same, became terribly rich, sunk into poverty, reached what you call is enlightenment then suddenly lost all faith in life – you can drive yourself to madness or sanity, despair or bliss over and over and over again – but nothing ever changes inside you.

You are still the same Eternal, Infinite, Powerful Spiritual Being Born Out of Love.

Nothing makes you More or Less of who you are – nothing will.

Okay, I’m not saying there’s no point in wanting to grow and give birth to our desires – because those are exactly the point of living an Earthly life. But our essence is beyond Earthly life. Our Being doesn’t stop when our human bodies die. There is no point and growth in harboring attachments to Earthly concerns. I believe we can give importance and love without falling into attachment.

There is no point in feeling superior or inferior to anyone. We’re all equally magnificent (and yes, that includes all the people we find despicable).

The continuous journey of achievement and loss simply lead us to the same thing – the realization of our true essence as spiritual beings who are all connected and are parts of an eternal, ever evolving and infinite Consciousness.

We win sometimes to remember the fact and reality of our Power; we lose sometimes to remember the fact that our worth is never dependent on pretty much anything. It’s just is. We are just worthy.

So pick up your sorry self and wear your brightest smile. You are sunshine! Life may not be easy for you but believe that you’re never alone and that you’re always loved and you’re always taken care of. Start looking up more often. Look around you and see that you always have what you need.

Most importantly, look inside you and remember that your best resource is always within your reach – your own infinitely powerful Self. (- and remember that it’s not just a cheesy line but a living truth, oh well, you’ll see. *winks)

Activities · Self

There is only the path of feeling good.

I believe there are two kinds of “feeling good”.

The first would be the kind that is enslaving. You feel good for a while but eventually you feel worse than before you felt good. It’s unconsciously digging your own grave. The second would be the kind that is liberating. You feel good while having/doing the thing that makes you feel good but eventually you feel so much better that you no longer need what initially made you feel good.

Going totally against unhealthy situations, things and habits that make me feel good has never been effective for me. I don’t think it’s effective for most people either. We all just want to feel good as often as we can! So I came up with this classification and it has proven to be very helpful for me in situations wherein I know I have to struggle with my own contradictions. I can choose to feel good for a while or feel good for long. Putting things in that perspective makes me look forward to choosing the one that I think would give me the most benefit for the longest time possible. It’s a good way to teach myself to choose peace, joy, growth and depth.

I believe that as long as we stay on this track, we will eventually find ourselves in that encompassing sense of bliss, fulfillment and well being.

Activities · Art · Self

To Writing, my rebound love

So I’m “kind of” back to you again. After months of intensive focus on painting and business, here I am, a wasted party girl with smudged make up creeping under your sheets at 5 am.

Yeah, I’m a bit heartbroken, maybe. But for the most part I’m just really tired and I don’t wanna go back to my cave and be confronted with the same worries for a while. I was so close to burning myself out, banging my head on the windshield. The Universe saved me with its deus ex machina thing and so I was able to stop myself before I totally lost control.

I love creating because it’s liberating. I love the release, the  playfulness and the focus. I love catching the essence of what I want to bring into life, like a firefly fairy fluttering in the dark forest night (shit, I knew that’s fucking cheesy but I still wanted to say it).

I love you, writing, because I simply love words and I love the process of stringing them together. It’s like sewing up little magical things to create a new universe of infinite sensations, meanings and possibilities.

You could say I’m a little lost now and I have to dig deep to feel my roots again. You’re the  best companion to do that.  Only you have the ability to pierce through the thick mud I currently got stuck in. God, I’m such a hard headed, messy girl!

I don’t know how long this process would be. I hope it’s okay with you to accommodate me for a while. I just have to sort things out and poke over here and there in the meantime. I think I can promise you that I’d be silent most of the time.

I don’t have much tools with me to do this sorting stuff besides my cheap tweezers and worn out beige thread and needle. Don’t worry much though, I’d only be needing so little, just the bare minimum. I was born a weed, a wildflower. I’m a natural survivor.

All I ask is your company during my morning coffee and the few hours before sunrise when I am about to go to sleep. I may be your rebound lover, but you are such a precious thing to me.

People · Self

To all my Beloved Monsters

I’m aware of you, my monsters.

I admit, there have been times – and there are still times – when I feel anxious about your presence. I hate it when you’d slowly creep out of your dark closet or under the bed where you just usually hibernate until something tickles your curiosity.

You’re never really harmful; just ugly. You’re never really pointless; just hyper and confusing.

I’ve grown wiser, that’s for sure. But I don’t think I’m confronting you again because of it. Most probably, I’m just tired, been living on this planet as a human being for almost 29 years. I just wanna give up and surrender. I wanna stop over analyzing and getting to the bottom of things when, basically, the thing I call “bottom” does not exist. Everything is relative.

I’m tired. I just wanna rest my mind most of the time now. Just in case you don’t know, I’ve gotten addicted to meditation because of the good feelings emptiness of the mind gives me.

You don’t have to hide from me from now on. You can sit on my couch, the thing is I don’t have one. Haha! Okay, you can sit on the edge of my bed sometimes. But please don’t freak me out or I’ll kick you in the ass! You can look outside through my window, look at the stuff I post on my bedroom wall, eavesdrop me through my journal. Mess with my closet – it couldn’t be messier, I swear. You can basically live every day with me, do your thing, I’m fine with that (just don’t ever drink my coffee!).

I’m fine with being crazy in my own way. It’s perfectly human to be obsessed with some things that I fancy or fear. Most of the time being human is also living on the extremes. Having experienced that is the only route to divinity which all beings are. I fucking love my extremes.

I’m giving up my epic search for the meaning of life. It’s overkill. Pursuing that goal blinds me on the real thrill of living (too many “l’s”, sorry!). I’m not struggling to change myself anymore. I’m just gonna be experimenting and playing with myself from now on.

Omg please, stop wearing my clothes!


On living and knowing thyself

It takes a great deal of wisdom, strength and self-esteem to say no to the thing you’ve wanted the most once you’ve realized that it came at a time in which you’re not ready for it (but it sucks big time, okay?).

Life is, after all, about living and being and not about achieving. It’s about staying true to who we are and holding on to what matters the most in life – our well being and loving relationships – no matter what happens.

I’m thankful to have known these very important lessons this early.