You can only say that you have finally learned how to love when it is not easy or convenient to love the person you choose to love.
Loving someone because it is convenient is not loving. You only think you love because you feel attracted and fascinated, but it is not love. It’s infatuation maybe, or lust, or merely amusement. I have only learned how to love when I met my most recent ex-boyfriend. He was the infamous archetype of what a “toxic” guy/partner was – he was a player, he had two kids with different mothers, he was promiscuous, he was weak and he easily gives up on worthy things like career and relationships, he was grieving for the death of his mother who passed away more than a year ago, deep inside he was depressed but he wouldn’t acknowledge it and of course, he wouldn’t ask help to recover from it. He had many deep seated issues and there were layers and layers of issues on top of those. But he wouldn’t want to peel them off.
But I loved him. Amidst all those layers of darkness which covered him, I saw the purest light inside him. I saw his best self. He was funny, he had a huge heart, he was caring, he was smart, he was loving, he was hopeful, he was inherently a good human.
Maybe I also chose to stay because I had my own layers of darkness to deal with. It was a fact, actually. That relationship confronted me with my darkest shadows and my ugliest demons. Maybe it’s true that I chose to stay with him at that time because I was codependent, because I had love obsession issues, because I had a destructive habit of not owning my personal inner power.
But darkness cannot exist without the light. Nothing bad ever existed without some seed of goodness and love in it.
I also chose to stay with him because I have learned how to love. I loved him in the purest sense of the word humans can ever fathom. I didn’t know what love was before that. When I was younger I thought that you get into a relationship to get something; be it affection, companionship, fun, safety, etc. But that most recent past relationship taught me that love was about giving. It was about transcending our comfort zones. It’s about breaking our walls and building bridges.
We don’t learn how to love when it’s easy or convenient for us to do so. We don’t learn to love when it stops at being self-serving.
That relationship of course ended eventually. It was meant to end even before it began. It even ended badly, as the closest people to me have predicted. He cheated on me and abandoned me just like that. It was also the first time I have been betrayed and left alone. I didn’t know what betrayal and heartbreak really meant before that.
I am in a new relationship right now, with my twin soul, with the man I have always wanted and destined to be with. We both knew we were meant to be together on the first day we met. Using his words, we were like parts of the same puzzle that were separated and that have found each other again. We craved to be together again.
But just like most people, my fears of abandonment was again triggered now that I am in a loving relationship. I love my current partner and he is so important to me. This relationship means so much to me that I don’t want to fuck it up. I am in the midst of my struggle with my fears of abandonment and I am doing my very best to handle it.
My partner is strong, mature, wise and loving. He doesn’t just shower me with promises and sweet words. He is committed. He proves himself and his feelings to me through his actions. I have all the reasons to trust him completely.
But because I haven’t completely dealt with my fear of abandonment, I would still have this nagging fear in my chest that suddenly he might have a change of heart and leave me. When I think about that I remember how I felt when my recent ex-boyfriend left me. I felt as though the ground I stood on was suddenly removed from my feet. I fell and found myself standing on sand that was continuously disappearing underneath me. I was in a state of shock, helplessness and fear all at once. It was a pretty fucked up experience.
So I have been searching for ways on how to handle my fear. I read blogs and I watched videos. But none of the tips given were enough to really comfort me and empower me that I can succeed on this battle on my own (because it is my own battle).
Until I remember my own experience. I got the inspiration I needed not from others but from myself.
I realized that the most effective “antidote” to the fear of abandonment is the deep and alive knowing that a genuine love exists. My experience is a testament to that kind of love. I know for a fact that that kind of love is not only possible, but is in fact, real.
It is possible to choose to stay with someone not because it is convenient but because it is worthy. I do not romanticize my ex when I say that he was a generally good person with a good heart that endeared him to me. It is not romanticism when you are able to squeeze the raw goodness and truth and see the light from something/someone despite all external evidences that only present the dark side. That is nothing but love.
Love shines the light in the darkness and finds more light within. Love digs deeply but easily to find the most precious gemstone that lies underneath all the rubble. If love isn’t like that then why do we even learn how to love? If love isn’t like that how could it have the power to transform anything at all, including most especially, ourselves?
You don’t love when it’s easy, you love when it’s worth it…and what makes it worthy to love? Love. There’s no other way to answer that. Love is the means and the end as well.
So now whenever I sense my fear of being abandoned and rejected by my current partner coming up again, I just remind myself that genuine love exists.
I may be difficult to love sometimes because of how hurt and struggling I currently am, but the person who is capable of genuine love can and will love me completely. I have a knowing that such a person exists. That person, whether he is my current partner or not, will above all, see the purest light in me. He will choose to be with me because I am worth it. I am worth it because he loves me. The right person will transform himself and transcend his limitations by stepping up to this kind of love.
I know he will because it already happened to me. Learning how to love genuinely has made me more compassionate and wiser than ever.
I should not be afraid to be abandoned because the wrong man will eventually leave me no matter what I do because of a lack of love, but the right one will choose to stay because he loves me and he believes that he is meant to be with no one else other than me.
There is nothing I can do to make someone stay if he really wants to leave me, anyway. So why should I overthink and give up my power to fear? The wisest thing to do is to let go, live my life and be happy for being myself. 🙂
I hope that all of those who have the same struggle will find the inspiration, love and strength they need from themselves as well.