We are all products of our relationships. We are a testament to the kinds of love that shape our lives.
We cannot harness the transforming power of love if we hide from it. We must have the courage to be vulnerable if we want love to lead the way for us. Love is the only compass in life that we can trust.
This article is in connection with my previous one, “How I Deal with my Fear of Abandonment”. They are related because they both deal with the power of love to transform and transcend limitations.
Part of my struggle with my fear of abandonment is my unhealthy habit of overthinking and always doubting myself and putting myself out in the open to be scrutinized. I would ruminate whether I am doing or giving my partner too much or too little of myself. I am always afraid that if I give him too little, that he would not be committed enough in the relationship or that if I give him too much, that he would be overwhelmed and leave me. Well, either way, in my mind I always end up being rejected and abandoned. Figuring out where the middle is seems to me totally impossible. To myself, I am fucked up either way.
But I am basically just fucking myself up.
Doing this to ourselves is just plain destructive. It’s a breeding ground for insecurity. However, it’s not just unhealthy for us, it’s unhealthy for our partners as well.
We are not doing our partners a favor by trying to protect them from the realities of life and love. Each of us has our own battles to deal with. We cannot fight their battles for them in the same way that they cannot fight our battles for us.
I am not saying this as an excuse to be difficult and irresponsible in relationships. What I am trying to clarify here is that we cannot protect our partners from heartaches that can naturally come up in relationships.
It will not always be butterflies in the tummy, sunshine, pink hearts and clear skies. We won’t learn how to love if everything’s always easy and nice.
Don’t be afraid to put your relationship out there in the battlefield. It’s part of discovery and growth to see how you both respond to different conditions inside and outside of your individual selves and your relationship.
It’s only by doing this that you can put your strengths and capability to love to the test. It’s only by doing this that you can discover if you really have what it takes to build a solid and long-lasting love partnership.
Stop believing in the illusion that you can protect your partner from the messiness of love and relationships. Trust him/her as an equal and give him/her the space to prove himself/herself. Give him/her the chance to grow and transcend his/her limitations. Let him/her fight and win his/her own battles. He/she needs it not just for your relationship, but most importantly, for himself/herself. Don’t deprive him/her of that chance.
Letting someone love you isn’t only about letting someone be happy because he/she is loved by you. It’s also, and most importantly, about letting someone become stronger, wiser and deeper because of loving you. We don’t just serve our partners by making them happy, by making things lighter for them. We also serve them by challenging them to be their best selves.
So if your fear of abandonment is stopping you from disclosing enough with your partner and trusting him/her enough to show your real awesome and messy side, always go back to the truth that nobody’s perfect.
Again, we choose to be who we are with not because it’s easy but because it’s worth it.
Let your partner see the truth of who you really are. If he/she doesn’t accept all that you are then he/she is not meant to be with you. There’s no reason to overthink, doubt yourself and let yourself down.
Become who you really are. The right person will always find a way to be with you no matter what.
I believe it’s unhealthy to censor topics that can be discussed between partners. Censorship creates a gap that might be filled up by other unwanted things and people. It’s always best to know what your partner thinks of and how he/she feels about the various issues that matter to both of you. It’s always best to know where both of you stand.
If we’re looking for a long-term relationship, we wouldn’t want someone who will chicken out at the first sight of difficulty. We want someone who commits, stays, endures and becomes better when the going gets tough. That’s the reason why we have to put our ourselves and our love to the test.