People · Relationships · Self

My Soul Mate Journey

I asked God what did I do to deserve my current partner in life? What made me deserve such an amazing man and a relationship this rich, authentic, joyful and deep?

The answer I got was that it’s because I have finally made peace with the past, with all its pain, confusion and desperation. I have forgiven my past, I have set myself free and finally I am ready to receive the light that was meant for me all along.

It’s not really about changing myself into a certain person that attracted my soul mate to me but more of stripping away all the illusions and things that were blocking me from seeing and showing the world my most authentic self.

It felt like swimming in a long seemingly-endless ocean day and night…I have finally reached the shore. I am home again.

My journey has taught me that you’ll know when you’ve really come into your own power when you can finally stand your ground.

Knowing your worth is not enough, you gotta stand up for it. Loving oneself means honoring and fighting for what your heart screams for. It’s always fighting for your own truth.

I can definitely say that I DESERVE THIS relationship because I have fought for this. I didn’t just wait for my prince charming like a damsel in distress nor did I went all around the world looking for him.

I knew how to navigate the balance between trusting the universe and letting it do its magic and doing my own part as well. I knew when to take action and I knew when to give us both the space that we need to develop our feelings, to deal with our own struggles and for the relationship to blossom on its own.

I didn’t even think of asking God for this. I settled for less but God gave me so so much more. All I asked was to be with a guy who genuinely wanted to be with me. God gave me Andy. He seriously wants to be with me without any hidden agenda. He simply wants to be with me!

Other than that Andy is so so much more than I have hoped for! Our relationship is multidimensional. He is like my best friend, my mentor, my colleague, my spiritual partner, my lover and my partner in life. He is kind, humble, smart, funny, gorgeous, sexy, talented, wise, strong, stable, responsible, sensible, attentive…I can go on and keep on describing how incredible he is!

I know I have attracted him because I have finally come into terms with how amazing I am as well. I knew my worth and I honored what I wanted. Initially, he believed he was not ready for a committed relationship when I brought up the subject. I stood my ground and fought for what I wanted and believed I deserved which was a committed relationship with him.

I knew there was a risk of losing him but I risked it all to give chance to all the great possibilities between us.

Eventually he came to his senses after struggling with his own fears and doubts. He came back to me expressing his readiness and willingness to take a chance and be with me. I gave him the space that he needed and prayed with my whole heart that he would eventually come back to me. In the meantime while we were separated, I trusted the universe and chose to be happy with my life instead.

I didn’t just attract the right person, I helped him rise to the person he was meant to be by challenging him to rise above his fears.

As always, the universe rewards those who are brave and authentic. I got what I deserved! I will always be grateful for the loving patience and unconditional love of God/The Universe/All That Is. Thank you for not giving up on me and for always supporting me in all my battles. I have reached the shore, I am finally in the presence of light.

Bless our relationship and please keep on guiding us towards the right path.

Activities · Art · Self

What painting has taught me about the evolution of love

I started painting as a form of therapy. When I was battling with depression and OCD, painting turned to be the only thing which calmed my mind. Although I was eventually able to make money out of it when I decided to turn it into a business, I was still for the most part, painting according to my moods and emotions. That was a few years ago.

When I decided to paint again last month and seriously re-launch a personal business out of it, I observed that majority of the time I was still painting according to my emotions. Well, there was nothing wrong with that. Painting is simply therapeutic its magic. The problem comes in when you decide to take it seriously and really have concrete plans about it.

You cannot achieve anything concrete and long term by doing something only according to how you feel.

That’s when I realize that my perspective had to shift. I should not let myself be ruled by my moods. I had to lead my emotions. I had to create my own rules and work standards. I had to set clearly defined and reasonable goals. I had to impose a particular kind of discipline on myself in order to achieve those goals.

As a result, I came up with a list of principles such as:

1. First and foremost, I am child who wants to play. Painting should never ever feel like working at all. I must use painting as a liberating space to be myself, to experiment, learn and most of all,, have fun.

2. I am an artist, second, since painting requires certain kinds of skills.

3. I am lastly, an entrepreneur, for obvious reasons that I want to make money out of it.

This is the guide that I use for myself in order to find harmony and balance in maximizing this activity for me. I know these would continuously evolve as I explore and make mistakes along the way. It takes experience to find balance in anything we do, anyway.

Isn’t love like that as well? Love is not a fleeting feeling that is beyond our control, it is most of all an act of will. We must strike the balance between letting things unfold on their own and doing everything we can to use it transformative power for the our own good and the good of all. We cannot just wait for things to happen, we must consciously direct the energy to where we want it to go.

Art · Self

The elusive Soul Purpose answers

I did a guided meditation on finding your Soul Purpose. I was supposed to speak with Archangel Michael and ask him for help regarding my Soul Purpose in this lifetime.

I did perfectly everything I was instructed to do. When it came to the part where I was asking him about my Soul Purpose, he suddenly presented playing cards to me and asked me to pick one – which would stand for his answer to my question. Of course I was shocked because why would he leave the question to chance? I picked a card anyway. I got the Ace of Clubs. When I asked him why the Ace of Clubs and what’s the meaning behind it, he simply put the card on my chest where my heart supposedly was. When I asked him why he did that he just told me not to be so serious and have fun with him instead.

I got the most trippy vision ever! We started drinking rainbows using straws, we ate rainbow lollipops and sat on rainbow benches. We rode seagulls which turn into swans and floated in clouds. We stood on the edge of a supposedly waterfalls, but instead of flowing water, there were flowing pink hearts. There were even little hearts floating inside bubbles. Archangel Michael did not want to talk about soul purpose at all. He simply kept on showing me cute stuff and let me experience amazing things.

I even saw myself as a kid (at about 8 years old) wearing neon pink knee-high socks (without shoes on), with four pancakes on my head and a sleeping cat on top.

As soon as I finished, I realized that the experience was so fun and really trippy! It didn’t make sense but it was fun! Then a few days later as I was reflecting on it, I realized that maybe that was the point.

My soul purpose in this lifetime is to have fun! He put the Ace of Clubs in my heart to tell me that I shouldn’t think much and feel more instead.

I also thought that it meant I already know what my soul purpose is and the answer lies in my heart.

I know the last one was true because when I did another kind of guided meditation a few days after, all I could remember was a key. I asked God where the path (corresponding to the key) will lead me. It was obvious that I already knew the answer. Why did I even think that it was a key for a door? And I didn’t even ask which door it will open. I already knew it was for a door and I already knew which door in particular. My curious little human mind was just so stubborn and pushy. It wants to know the logical answers to everything.

I am still finding the space to listen to my soul and ask the angels and my spirit guides for guidance in finding my soul purpose.

But at the same time, I understand that finding the answers to our own questions also lies in living the mysteries themselves. We cannot just stop and wait for everything to make sense before we move forward. We must also walk with faith.

That’s what I’m trying to do now. As I ask for clarity, I also teach myself how to be brave enough to have the courage and faith to go through the mysteries of life including those of my own heart. It’s true that I already have an idea what my soul purpose is. Maybe I just need to honor and trust it.

History · People · Relationships · Self

To the son I left in my previous life

I’ve finally awaken. I remember you. I remember who I was.

I didn’t expect that the past life meditation with Brian Weiss would be that powerful. It was so simple and so brief but I learned so much about myself.

At first, I was not sure who you were or who I was. But before I even asked you in my mind who you were, I already knew the answer. Oh, and did you remember how hard I cried? I could not forget your face and your eyes asking me “Where are you going, mother?”

There was no remorse or pain coming from you. All I felt from you were confusion, shock and sadness. I don’t know what has become of us during that lifetime. But I am very sure that you’ve grown up to be a very well adjusted nice and wise man. I am not sure what happened to me. Most probably I was not able to fulfill my goal and come back to you as I promised.

I chose to live again in this lifetime to continue fulfilling my goals before I come back to you. An angel told me that time is not against me. He told me that I can have all the time that I need to fulfill my goals and that if time comes that I am ready to come back to you, I should always keep in mind that I can come back anytime and that you’ll be waiting for me.

That experience explains why I’ve been drawn to younger men since I was young myself (people would question me how I could possibly become a “cougar” at my teens). I’ve always longed for that “boyish vibe” – full of wonder, energy and adventure. Now I know why. It’s because I have an 11 year old son which I had to leave in order to find myself.

That experience has given me so much affirmation that I am on the right path. Pursuing freedom in this lifetime is really my mission as a soul.

Thank you, my son, for your silent support. I know you’d never been angry at me for leaving you. I know you’d always believe that I’d come back to you. I know you’d always believed in my reasons for leaving.

It doesn’t matter if it had to take us a few hundred years to reunite.  I will diligently work on my goals and come back for you. I will do it in this lifetime.

To all my angels, spirit guides and The Creator, thank you very much for all your love, patience and guidance. How can I have doubts and fears when you are all walking with me wherever I choose to go?

Please receive all the love and gratitude from my joyful and hopeful heart.

Activities · Art · Business · Self

Why Painting?

I’ve read quite a lot of advice from different kinds of artists when it comes to pursuing your craft. Most of them would say do it because you ache for it, you want to do it so bad that you will suffer if you don’t do it. Being a passionate person myself, I believe in the importance of having passion in whatever we choose to do if we want to make a difference and create something worthwhile. But when it comes to pursuing what I feel is my soul’s purpose in this lifetime, I feel a different vibe with mine.

I didn’t dream of becoming a painter because I’ve always had been. When I was a kid, my greatest dreams were just these three: 1.) To not work a day of my life, 2) To paint and write and 3) To travel. Freedom has always been at the top of my values. It’s the most important thing for me in this lifetime.

I quit my job a few days ago and in a heartbeat decided I would paint again. I decided to spend the last penny I had saved to buy all the materials I needed to produce enough number of hand painted bags that I could sell in a month’s time. I am just a day away to finishing 20 bags. I have the other batch of 20 bags to finish but I don’t feel I have done anything at all or that I would still be doing that much.

That’s what painting does to me. It’s what painting is for me. Painting is not working. Painting is so easy and natural for me that I don’t have to worry about anything at all…and it’s never an exaggeration when I say that. You see when I paint, I get liberated from my mind. I don’t have to think when I paint. Everything flows naturally. I formulate designs spontaneously. I am not afraid to make mistakes and every time I do, I am always able to find ways on how to go about it.

I welcome all kinds of accidents when I paint because I know that it’s part of the process of creating really amazing works.

I don’t have to impress anyone, even myself, when I paint. I know my techniques and technical skills are not brilliant enough compared to so many artists out there.

But I always take pride in the originality of my images. They’re authentic. They come from the The Source through me.

I am enough when I paint. I am part of the vastness of everything when I paint. There is no “I” when I paint.

It’s not passion that drives me to paint. It’s freedom.

I am a soul, and I choose painting because I choose to be free.

People · Relationships · Work

Learning to receive love for the first time

A few days ago, I thought I wanted to quit my job because my boss was horrible.

So I went on AWOL, bought a few bottles of fabric paint and painted during daytime (I don’t paint without the sunlight) for the 48 hours. On day two I got a call from my boss. I thought she’s gonna scold me and threaten me for leaving without notice. But what she did shook me to my core. She wanted to know what was going on with me. She wanted to understand me and she talked to me for an hour explaining her behavior to me. I couldn’t believe I was able to tell her how she made me feel. She took the effort to explain to me and make it clear that she didn’t want to hurt me and make me feel bad. She convinced the little fearful girl inside me to grow up and embrace my power. I felt that she sincerely cared about me.

I was crying the whole time! Not only because her words stung (because in many ways they’re true) but more so because I was not used to people making me stay. I would just usually leave and people would usually just let me go. I am not used to people asking me how I feel and taking the time to clarify how they don’t want me to feel hurt. She really made sure that I was able to understand everything she wanted me to know.

I am not used to receiving empowerment from anybody most especially when I need it the most.  Instead of getting crazily mad at me for being so unprofessional and immature, she wanted to help me. She knew I needed her help even thought I didn’t directly ask for it.

It takes a great amount of sensitivity, love and strength to actually help someone who is as stubborn as me. I am not just stubborn because I’m defensive but also because I’m ignorant about a lot of things…like love. I can give love but I am not very good at receiving it.

Now I understand why my Spirit Guide told me that the lesson I would have to learn from this experience is the meaning of unconditional love and how I am so blessed with an abundance of it.

I still get teary-eyed when I think about it because I’m not used to it. Knowing I am loved unconditionally still gives me goosebumps. But I am getting there. I am learning how to receive love for the first time…and my strong, empowering ex-boss broke the walls that I have built up.

People · Women

To the nagging fear of standing up for oneself

When we settle for less than what we deserve, when we stay in situations that no longer serve us or are outright unhealthy for us, we are telling the Universe that we are okay with this and that we are not open to receive the abundance and joy that She can offer.

When we don’t stand up for ourselves, it’s another way of  telling other people that we don’t know our worth and that they have power over us. They can freely use this power to patronize us, manipulate us and break us if they want to. We lose other people’s respect by bending over backwards just to please them. We lose respect for ourselves, too.

We are not letting the Universe know that we are kind and generous by always saying Yes. Instead, we are telling Her how insecure we are that we find it difficult to say No.

We are all created equal. The Universe lives in a constant state of balance and fairness. Nobody is expected to take more than she can carry. It’s no one’s obligation to liberate other people. We liberate ourselves.

We cannot get what we desire if we don’t have the courage to step on to the light and embrace our strength and greatness.

People · Relationships · Self · Work

A question in becoming

I’ve never worked with a company or an organization that has made me feel this “organic”. Honestly, I’m not used to it. But I guess, I am starting to be comfortable in it as time goes by. I feel as though I am in harmony with everyone. No one is against me.

Initially, I knew there were some who were upfront by the way they felt towards me. They did not like me. I came off as strong and “too” happy. Eventually, like a meat swimming in a pressure cooker for hours, our relationships eventually softened. They opened up to me and I opened up to them, naturally. I thought I had to initiate a heart-to-heart talk with each of them to ease the tension. But then things just started to relax. I entrusted my whole heart to the process. Now I feel in sync with most of them.

I gave them a chance and I gave myself a chance as well. I surrendered to the process and the process did not let me down.

Now I keep on thinking how to improve my relationships. It has made me think that one crucial thing I should start with is to embrace who I am so I’d be more comfortable, so I’d be more real in my interactions.

I cannot deeply connect with anyone if I am holding back what’s real inside me. I cannot offer anything to anyone if I don’t value what I have to offer.

If I want to make a lasting impression on somebody, everything I do must bear my signature on it. I believe that’s how we create genuine connections, by being personal, by going deep down instead of just floating on the surface.

No matter the reason why we have to interact with other people – it may be because of work, of an emergency situation, it might be because of a hobby we share with them – we are interacting as spirits, as souls in human forms.

If we want to influence someone, we have to touch their hearts. If we want to get their attention, we have to make them feel something powerful. We have to remind them of their magnificence, of their worth.

We don’t put people into action by convincing their minds. People act based on their emotions.

We may get others to agree on what we say because it appeals to their logic. But we cannot make them do much or anything at all based on what we make them believe is right for them.

The bottom line is, if I want to establish deeper relationships with the people around me,  it’s inevitable that I have to SHOW and SHARE my authenticity. Relationships are built on TRUST. I have to come undone and fully open to earn this trust.

To my boss: I believe you have become really cerebral in the way you work around the company. You no longer touch people’s hearts. You no longer pay enough attention and care to how other people feel…perhaps including how you feel yourself.

(Maybe this is what I have learned in the few years I’ve been working in Marketing. I can use this to take advantage of or uplift other people.)

People · Self

To those who find it difficult to change

Epiphanies usually come unexpectedly. Just this morning while I was playing with my dogs, a thought popped up in my head:

You can change anytime you want. You can actually change now at this very moment if you choose to. All you have to do is embrace change and BE that change.

It’s something I’ve been reading about and hearing about frequently. But I haven’t really grasped its meaning until this morning. The first thing that came into my mind was my image of being a silent, reserved person. Suddenly I realized that it’s not really ME. It’s just an image of me. I can change that image in an instant. If I choose to become more sociable, more personal, bubblier, by all means I have the right to do that. It’s not really a difficult thing to do and no one is stopping me but myself.

By letting go of who I think I am, I can be who I want to be.

In short, I can change in a heartbeat. I don’t need any grand preparation to do it. I can just be the change I want to see in myself. If I want to change my life, if I want to be surrounded with the kinds of people that are good for my well-being, I must transform myself. If I can let go of people and situations that no longer serve me, I must also let go of self images and habits that no longer serve me.

Change, after all is not really a complicated matter. It’s within our grasp. The fact is, it’s actually in front of our faces all the time. We just have to grab it and own it. At the end of it all, it still boils down to practicing our free will. It’s always about taking charge of our lives and making decisive choices.

We can’t take control of our lives and expect it will play out according to what we want if keep on handing out our power outside of ourselves.

Our well being and happiness will never come from external factors. It goes in two ways:

Number One – If we are blessed with love and abundance but still feels empty, perhaps it’s because we don’t see how blessed we are. We keep on finding faults in ourselves and in others. We keep on asking for more.

Number Two – If we don’t like the kind of life we are living, if we don’t like the people we are surrounded with and we feel helpless, perhaps it’s because we are not taking charge of our lives. We put the blame on others instead of accepting our own accountability to ourselves.

In any situation, the main point is we always have a choice and we always have the power to take control of our lives. No amount of help can help us if we don’t help ourselves.

We are never helpless. We always have the resources that we need to live the life we want.