Self

Now, I get it.

I used to have asthma as a kid. I would have attacks regularly and would even be rushed to the hospital a few times. I believe I had my last attack when I was eleven.

So I grew up. I’ve had unhealthy habits, jumped in unhealthy situations, been to really unhealthy places but not once did I had an attack. I did not had an asthma attack for 11 years. Until The Day happened.

I suddenly got so sick with asthmatic bronchitis. I was sick for more than a week. After that incident, I would have attacks for every two-three months for more than a year now. I already tried all kinds of methods to manage (they say it won’t be cured) my asthma but none of which offered long lasting relief (some didn’t even work at all). I was recently taking new meds which I was supposed to take for three consecutive months…until I had another attack in the process. So I decided to drop all the meds together and just keep my steroids and anti-histamines for emergency situations.

It used to puzzle me why my asthma would suddenly come back…with a vengeance. I don’t remember having these frequency of attacks when I was a kid.

I’ve been more abusive towards myself years ago, actually I believe I’ve been taking care of myself when Asthma came back, so why of all times will She come back last year? What’s been going on in my life last year?

I just had an epiphany a few hours ago. I read an article which says that illnesses usually lets us know that the time for healing has come, that we are finally ready to participate in that process. I realized that Asthma came back after the most sensitive issues I had with my father and my childhood were opened. I just spent three months with my father abroad when I went there for a vacation. I won’t say the issues were healed because they’re apparently not, in fact, my internal struggles have been more stubborn since then. But maybe that incident has prepared me to heal myself.

Since Asthma came back I was forced to become more sensitive to my body. I learned to listen to her. I know that The Universe uses whatever method or channel She knows would be the most effective in a given situation. I believe She used Asthma to communicate with me and guide me towards the path of healing.

A lot of decisive things happened in my life the past year. I would usually rely on Asthma for guidance. Asthma would tell me if I have reached my limit and when it’s time to let go of anything that no longer served me. It’s easy to be stubborn and ignore your own reason. But can you ignore the demands of your body? Can you ignore Her wisdom when it’s a matter of life and death we’re talking about? That’s exactly what She did for me. She forced me to confront my unhealthy thoughts and habits. She forced me to leave unhealthy situations. She forced me to let go of unhealthy relationships.

She forced me to look at the reality of the unhealthiness of my life which I created myself. But of course it didn’t stop there. She forced me to make brave and sound decisions, decisions that were good for me. She made sure I learned my lesson…or else I would die. I knew I would die if I didn’t change my thoughts and behavior.

Like Depression, she reflected back to me all the things that were not working for my best interest. She grabbed my lungs, tilted my head and forced me to confront the truth.

My last attack was a month ago. I would still find out if I’ve already learned my lesson. But so far so good. I’ve become more sensitive to my body. I’ve learned to trust her more and more. Whether it’s asthma, a head ache or a back ache, I’ve become better now in receiving The Universe’s messages for me through my body.

I use my body now as a compass. It tells me if I’m on the right track or if I’m still lost, wandering in the woods of my own creation. I couldn’t help but to be amazed at the creativity of The Universe in guiding us.