I bumped into this article answering the question, “Why do we keep attracting all the wrong people into our lives?”. Specifically, it referred to romantic partners. It hit right directly into my ego.
I have been asking that question for quite a while now.
My personal dilemma has been, “Why do I keep on attracting unavailable men?”
It’s either they have sexual identity issues and eventually turn out to be gay, a loved one just died, struggling with a heartache that devastated them, struggling with bad habits, they live in the opposite end of the world, focused on finishing studies or starting up a career. They’re technically available – they’re not married or in a life-and-death situation – but they’re NOT THERE. They just couldn’t be present with me.
Anyway, the article said that we kept on repeating the same scenario to bring our unresolved issues on the surface so we could deal with them, so we could heal them. Maybe my feelings of neglect because of my emotionally-absent father is still there. Maybe I’m still aching for that. Maybe I still haven’t resolved it. His being emotionally unavailable not just to me but to my mother and my siblings as well had influenced my identity.
Maybe that’s where my futile and chronic struggle comes from. I’ve always found myself making these unavailable men stay when in fact I knew we were in an impossible situation to begin with. I was just putting myself up for one heartbreak to the next.
I did a lot of reflection lately about this matter (and I’m not yet done). It brought me to identify the following as the lessons I may need to learn in order to break this unhealthy cycle:
- I have to grow up and come into terms with the reality that my father won’t change. He is not gonna turn into this person I imagine he would be. He is simply not that kind of person.
- In connection with the previous one, I have to accept the fact that we are not gonna have the kind of relationship I want us to have. It’s not gonna happen. I have to let that fantasy go. I have to give way for the kind of relationship that is real and organic. It might actually be better than the one I have in mind.
- Consequently, I must learn and internalize the truth that I don’t need his attention to be complete and to be the person I want to be. I am already complete and I have the power and all the resources I need to create myself and the kind of life that I want. I have been hurt by his behavior, yes, but he doesn’t really have the power to take control of me.
- With regards to my romantic life, I must learn how to not settle for less than what I know I deserve. I should not settle for just whoever comes my way. I have to fight for the kind of relationship that I want and the kind of partner to share this relationship with. I don’t need any man’s attention to feel loved and fulfilled. I don’t need anyone’s validation but my own. I don’t need someone else to take care of me and to make me happy. I can very well do those things for myself.
- Last but not the least, I have to complete my growth and start living on what’s real. I have to let go of ALL the girly fantasies I have in my head. I have to stop dreaming and start working and producing actual results for myself.
I have to start taking control of my life and accepting responsibility for what’s happening to me. I have to meet life halfway and do my part in creating my destiny.
This will take a while before I could actually be able to overhaul my unhealthy internal programming. But I am making the right decisions. I am uprooting weeds and planting seeds instead along my journey. My heart is strong that I could completely surrender to the wisdom of The Universe. I know I am on the right path. My efforts will eventually pay off.