People · Self

To those who only want my light

Society evades loneliness and blatant acceptance of suffering.

While I believe we must learn to forget in order to keep moving on in life, I am afraid we are not mourning enough for the things that should be mourned for. Not mourning enough is to treat the important things unjustly. It’s averting one’s eye. It’s refusing humanity and life.

I’ve been used to holding on to any form of escape from all the discomforting feelings. Sometimes it’s the only way to make things bearable so one can move from point A to point B. But then some of us will eventually come to a point where we will ask the meaning of all these efforts.

I’ve come to that point. This is my crisis, my crossroads. While it’s true that when I look back, I’ve triumphed a lot of struggles, I’ve changed a lot in many ways than one. The things that have happened and have not happened gave birth to who I am at present. But I start to question the point in all of it.

My life is still devoid of direction. I used to have all these dreams and beliefs, but now they have all been burned to the ground, one by one. What’s the point in having dreams and beliefs? What’s the point in all the struggle to be better, to do better, to have better? What’s the point in loving and being concerned? What’s the point in doing good work? I believe in the saying that life is an end in itself. There is no higher purpose in it, there is no profound meaning behind it. But still the question goes, why must we live and experience living? What for? Then what’s the purpose of this reflection I am doing? Who would benefit? Why must I exist at all?

I think faith and hope are both overrated. Why must we believe there are things worthy of believing? I am tired of seeing my dreams and beliefs being shot down as I move along in life. I am tired of hoping and then being let down, losing, breaking up, then doing my best to put myself back together again.

I have decided not to seek escape from now on. I’ll deal with my thoughts and feelings on my own no matter how painful it can get to do that.

That’s the truth. I am alone. No one can help me. No one can understand me. No one is willing to. Everybody is caught up in her/his own issues.

So to those who only want my light, here is my shadow. I embrace it the way darkness envelops me in solitude.

I have stopped seeking for answers. I initially planned to map out my options but I really don’t have many so why bother.

I am just gonna sit here with all that have been broken in my life. I am digging their graves and I’ll stare at their deaths for as long as I can, for as long as I need to.

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