Self · Women

To my little girl Self

I did something really brave today. Something I did not do out of fear or pride or selfishness but out of simple self awareness and an honest heart.

I now understand what the “Ace of Cups” was telling me. Tara, my first tarot deck set, as I call her, kept on telling me to “Go, Girl! Fight for the truth inside your heart! You have made a stand. Persevere!”. First, I thought it was all about asserting what you want and deserved because that’s how you stand for your self worth. Now I know that standing for your worth also means fighting for what your heart shouts for.

Fighting for your self worth also means liberating yourself. Self liberation also means letting yourself value what your heart values…and never, ever be ashamed of it whatever it may be.

We will never know how things will actually turn out. But we could always decide to either follow our heart and do things our way or copy what others are doing in their personal situations. Maybe I am more intense than others. My family and friends would always tell me to just keep still, let go, be quiet and just surrender. I know very well how to do those things. I need not be reminded of them. But I believe in expression, in struggle, in open and honest communication, in being firm, in standing your ground, in demanding for explanation, clarity and respect. I don’t want to play it safe. I don’t want to stand at the back of my life, sitting stupidly in my comfort zone. I want to go to the edge, push the limits and fly. I expect the same from the people in my life as well. I won’t apologize.

I may overwhelm and piss off many people, but I would do things based on who I really am, who I want to be and how I want my life to be. I am not gonna settle for mediocrity in all aspects, including most especially my relationships.

I only have one life to live and I owe it to My Creator to live it as authentic as I can.

I did something really brave today. I just told someone how crazy I was for him and how strong I was as well to be that crazy (well, it’s through a long letter but basically that sentence sums it up). Actually, I didn’t really say I was strong, I didn’t have to. My guts and strength were everywhere.

I have really proven I can love this intensely because I am strong enough for this.

I can stand the earthquake ground that is my heart. My love cannot destroy me.

Relationships · Self

To the part of me who asks

I bumped into this article answering the question, “Why do we keep attracting all the wrong people into our lives?”. Specifically, it referred to romantic partners. It hit right directly into my ego.

I have been asking that question for quite a while now.

My personal dilemma has been, “Why do I keep on attracting unavailable men?”

It’s either they have sexual identity issues and eventually turn out to be gay, a loved one just died, struggling with a heartache that devastated them, struggling with bad habits, they live in the opposite end of the world, focused on finishing studies or starting up a career. They’re technically available – they’re not married or in a life-and-death situation – but they’re NOT THERE. They just couldn’t be present with me.

Anyway, the article said that we kept on repeating the same scenario to bring our unresolved issues on the surface so we could deal with them, so we could heal them. Maybe my feelings of neglect because of my emotionally-absent father is still there. Maybe I’m still aching for that. Maybe I still haven’t resolved it. His being emotionally unavailable not just to me but to my mother and my siblings as well had influenced my identity.

Maybe that’s where my futile and chronic struggle comes from. I’ve always found myself making these unavailable men stay when in fact I knew we were in an impossible situation to begin with. I was just putting myself up for one heartbreak to the next.

I did a lot of reflection lately about this matter (and I’m not yet done). It brought me to identify the following as the lessons I may need to learn in order to break this unhealthy cycle:

  • I have to grow up and come into terms with the reality that my father won’t change. He is not gonna turn into this person I imagine he would be. He is simply not that kind of person.
  • In connection with the previous one, I have to accept the fact that we are not gonna have the kind of relationship I want us to have. It’s not gonna happen. I have to let that fantasy go. I have to give way for the kind of relationship that is real and organic. It might actually be better than the one I have in mind.
  • Consequently, I must learn and internalize the truth that I don’t need his attention to be complete and to be the person I want to be. I am already complete and I have the power and all the resources I need to create myself and the kind of life that I want. I have been hurt by his behavior, yes, but he doesn’t really have the power to take control of me.
  • With regards to my romantic life, I must learn how to not settle for less than what I know I deserve. I should not settle for just whoever comes my way. I have to fight for the kind of relationship that I want and the kind of partner to share this relationship with. I don’t need any man’s attention to feel loved and fulfilled. I don’t need anyone’s validation but my own. I don’t need someone else to take care of me and to make me happy. I can very well do those things for myself.
  • Last but not the least, I have to complete my growth and start living on what’s real. I have to let go of ALL the girly fantasies I have in my head. I have to stop dreaming and start working and producing actual results for myself.

I have to start taking control of my life and accepting responsibility for what’s happening to me. I have to meet life halfway and do my part in creating my destiny.

This will take a while before I could actually be able to overhaul my unhealthy internal programming. But I am making the right decisions. I am uprooting weeds and planting seeds instead along my journey. My heart is strong that I could completely surrender to the wisdom of The Universe. I know I am on the right path. My efforts will eventually pay off.

Self · Women

An empowering girly thought

I’ve decided to stop using make-up on a daily/regular basis.

Although I’ve always used make-up only to enhance my features, to cheat during those times when I didn’t have enough sleep or I was emotionally in turmoil (and my face couldn’t simply deny the truth) and to have fun, it still came to point where I felt as though I couldn’t go out without it. I didn’t feel “presentable enough” without it.

But recently I’ve decided to try going out for a day with absolutely no make-up on and with my hair in this cute messy bun. Initially it’s only because I felt lazy to spend a few extra minutes on dolling up that day.

Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. My face felt clean and free! I could feel the wind and the sun on my raw face and she was happy!

I didn’t have to keep on checking my face out in the mirror to look out for oiliness or a smeared/fainted lipstick. I didn’t have to be so conscious when I eat or drink or when I talk to people. Aside from that, I liked how I looked without make-up on. I know I look a lot younger without make-up and sometimes I intentionally wanted to look older. But maybe I should just accept that this is how I look like. I actually look more like myself (how I feel inside) without make-up.

I am not saying I won’t use make-up from hereon.

I just think we must use make-up as one of our options, just whenever we feel like it. Nobody should feel as if it’s a necessity.

We must not get used to liking ourselves more when we have make-up on. We should like ourselves equally with or without it. That’s how we can use it not to enable our insecurities and unhealthy habits (e.g. sleeping late, not drinking a lot of water, getting involved in toxic situations) but to empower us and inspire us to make healthier choices.

Not wearing make-up regularly has enabled me to get back to my core self, to see who I really am. It’s also pushed me to be more disciplined in taking care of myself. Wearing make-up has been my band-aid solution. Now I am choosing long-lasting resolutions to make myself feel and look good. Some of my practical habits are:

  • Extra virgin olive oil as moisturizer applied every night
  • Ice therapy on my face every morning
  • Lots of water and raw veggies and fruits
  • Regular exercise and a whole lotta sweat!
  • Sleeping early and getting enough sleep (plus sleeping whenever I can!)
  • Green tea everyday
  • Regular full body massage
  • Wearing clothes and accessories that reflect how I want to feel
  • Smiling and laughing
  • Spending time with people who sincerely want to be with me
  • Surrounding myself with people who inspire and help me in becoming the person I want to be
  • Not participating in senseless talks and not consuming senseless media products
  • Spending time with animals! Rush of love and good vibes 🙂
  • Going out and spending time in nature
  • Believing in good things
  • Welcoming Change as a friend and not an enemy

Healthier days are coming 🙂

Self · Work

I answer you with a YES

Dear Universe,

Right after that job interview I knew you just wanted me to make those brave decisions in the recent past weeks. You only wanted me to know my worth, fight for what I deserve and keep looking for my place in which I would thrive.

You wanted me to learn how to trust myself that I knew what’s best for me and to stand by my decision for better or for worse. You wanted me to learn how to be brave and not always to play it safe.

You wanted me to learn how to communicate in a mature way and how to be assertive.

I don’t want to romanticize this new life path you have introduced me because based on my initial assessment, this looks a lot like hard work. I know this new job would require so much from me in many ways. It’s not all fun and easy and comfortable. But I know you know that this is exactly what I need. I am gonna learn a lot from this new work life and I would have to really GROW in order to excel in this. I am not competitive with other people but I am competitive with myself.

I would have to push myself harder this time.

You gave way for this opportunity to be mine. Others could have been given this position but I was the right person at the right place and at the right time. Maybe that’s why for the first time in my life I was THAT nervous before a job interview. I never felt that way before. I knew this will change my life. I could be overpowered by fear and step back and retreat to my comfort zone or I could step forward and accept the challenge with open eyes and an open, strong heart.

My voice trembles and my palms and feet are all sweaty but I am giving you my committed answer. I answer you with a YES. I accept the challenge. I accept the opportunity to grow.

But please be nice to me. As always, don’t leave me on this fight alone. I need you!

Self · Women

To the girl who asked what my secret was

Perhaps, that would best describe me these days – a well-adjusted woman.

Just like what I’ve learned from my Judo class, I’ve learned how to roll with the blow, how to break a fall.

Shit will keep on happening and I surely will keep on making more (and worse) mistakes out of stupidity or stubbornness. But I’d be able to break down and stand, break down and stand gracefully. I’ve learned how not to let my issues spill over.

Most people around me would say I live a uncomplicated life. That’s not the truth, though The truth is they just don’t notice the struggles I battle with. I’d be pretentious if I don’t admit I take pride in that. I take pride in the fact that I can carry myself with poise even the most challenging situations. It takes conscious will and effort and discipline to become that.

Well, at least I can do that even if I am not able to do a lot other things I expect from myself. HAHA!

People · Self

To those who only want my light

Society evades loneliness and blatant acceptance of suffering.

While I believe we must learn to forget in order to keep moving on in life, I am afraid we are not mourning enough for the things that should be mourned for. Not mourning enough is to treat the important things unjustly. It’s averting one’s eye. It’s refusing humanity and life.

I’ve been used to holding on to any form of escape from all the discomforting feelings. Sometimes it’s the only way to make things bearable so one can move from point A to point B. But then some of us will eventually come to a point where we will ask the meaning of all these efforts.

I’ve come to that point. This is my crisis, my crossroads. While it’s true that when I look back, I’ve triumphed a lot of struggles, I’ve changed a lot in many ways than one. The things that have happened and have not happened gave birth to who I am at present. But I start to question the point in all of it.

My life is still devoid of direction. I used to have all these dreams and beliefs, but now they have all been burned to the ground, one by one. What’s the point in having dreams and beliefs? What’s the point in all the struggle to be better, to do better, to have better? What’s the point in loving and being concerned? What’s the point in doing good work? I believe in the saying that life is an end in itself. There is no higher purpose in it, there is no profound meaning behind it. But still the question goes, why must we live and experience living? What for? Then what’s the purpose of this reflection I am doing? Who would benefit? Why must I exist at all?

I think faith and hope are both overrated. Why must we believe there are things worthy of believing? I am tired of seeing my dreams and beliefs being shot down as I move along in life. I am tired of hoping and then being let down, losing, breaking up, then doing my best to put myself back together again.

I have decided not to seek escape from now on. I’ll deal with my thoughts and feelings on my own no matter how painful it can get to do that.

That’s the truth. I am alone. No one can help me. No one can understand me. No one is willing to. Everybody is caught up in her/his own issues.

So to those who only want my light, here is my shadow. I embrace it the way darkness envelops me in solitude.

I have stopped seeking for answers. I initially planned to map out my options but I really don’t have many so why bother.

I am just gonna sit here with all that have been broken in my life. I am digging their graves and I’ll stare at their deaths for as long as I can, for as long as I need to.