The recent holidays have confronted me with the reality of how much I have changed in the past year.
Reunions have left me wondering why I felt a certain kind of disconnect with my family and friends. I’ve been expecting my ‘usual’ self to take the front seat, hosting the show. But she didn’t show up.
The gatherings were still the same, though. It’s simple and fun. People interacted with each other in usual ways. I used to lose myself in warmth during these kinds of events. But recently I just felt silent and unfazed like a lighthouse on top of a hill.
They have changed. I have changed. Perhaps, I have transformed in various ways that are different from them. Maybe that’s where the feeling of disconnect came from. They’d spend hours talking about career, properties, babies – when all I was hungry to discuss was spirituality, art, politics, travel and adventure, health and sex (!). I would blurb something about my exciting long distance relationship with someone I had a one night stand overseas or my engaging work with this pioneer harm reduction group in the country or my solo travel adventures and they’re obviously not interested – what’s worse was when they totally disagreed/disliked them (some even judged me for having such experiences/opinions). I ended up sleeping in two occasions out of alienation and boredom.
Being and speaking with old friends is nice because it makes you feel at home in some ways. However, it could also leave you feeling what I felt. I knew this would happen since I’m on the way to my thirties (which was “supposedly” THE decade of career and family). But I guess there are indeed many things in life we could never be prepared enough for. I didn’t know people would be this stubborn and immature towards my opinions and decisions. I also didn’t know I could disappoint my family and friends this much.
I can feel a new wind approaching. I need to make some genuine changes in my life. Bittersweet is the reality of self transformation. I need to have faith in embracing the changes and be firm with my decisions if I want to seize the beauty and goodness of this opportunity.
Oh universe, please help me become stronger. Please guide me in my decisions. May I be able to stay authentic to the life that my soul wants me to live. I need a new job, maybe a new place to live, new relationships, new routines, new experiences. I just feel it in my soul that I need to slowly overhaul my life. I just want you to know that I am officially ready for such changes. Game on!