After posting this on Facebook: “I want to stop doing (most of) what I’m doing so I could finally start doing what I want to do.”
Someone asked me: “Like what?”
And then I gave myself a couple of days (!) to reflect and answer that question as simple and as direct as possible. I came up with this:
All I really want to do for the rest of my life are these (in order of importance for me):
1. Pursue art (drawing, painting, street painting, photography). My ultimate dream is to become a street visual artist! Oh c’mon, just let me paint on walls!
2. Travel the world, experience, explore, share and love!
3. Contribute to the healing of others (in what way, I still don’t know).
4. Keep on writing (poetry, essays, screenplays).
5. Create solo film projects: documentary and experimental.
That would be all I want to do for the rest of my life. I have already laid out the picture of what my authentic life looks like.
Well for the past years I’ve been involved in many interrelated and multidisciplinary fields. None of which was a waste of time. All of those helped me become the person who I am today with the kinds of skills and dreams I wish to pursue. Actually, I’ve already began doing all of those. I just have to create enough space in my life to focus on them.
Dear Universe, if it’s meant to be please help me make it happen. Please let it be.
The recent holidays have confronted me with the reality of how much I have changed in the past year.
Reunions have left me wondering why I felt a certain kind of disconnect with my family and friends. I’ve been expecting my ‘usual’ self to take the front seat, hosting the show. But she didn’t show up.
The gatherings were still the same, though. It’s simple and fun. People interacted with each other in usual ways. I used to lose myself in warmth during these kinds of events. But recently I just felt silent and unfazed like a lighthouse on top of a hill.
They have changed. I have changed. Perhaps, I have transformed in various ways that are different from them. Maybe that’s where the feeling of disconnect came from. They’d spend hours talking about career, properties, babies – when all I was hungry to discuss was spirituality, art, politics, travel and adventure, health and sex (!). I would blurb something about my exciting long distance relationship with someone I had a one night stand overseas or my engaging work with this pioneer harm reduction group in the country or my solo travel adventures and they’re obviously not interested – what’s worse was when they totally disagreed/disliked them (some even judged me for having such experiences/opinions). I ended up sleeping in two occasions out of alienation and boredom.
Being and speaking with old friends is nice because it makes you feel at home in some ways. However, it could also leave you feeling what I felt. I knew this would happen since I’m on the way to my thirties (which was “supposedly” THE decade of career and family). But I guess there are indeed many things in life we could never be prepared enough for. I didn’t know people would be this stubborn and immature towards my opinions and decisions. I also didn’t know I could disappoint my family and friends this much.
I can feel a new wind approaching. I need to make some genuine changes in my life. Bittersweet is the reality of self transformation. I need to have faith in embracing the changes and be firm with my decisions if I want to seize the beauty and goodness of this opportunity.
Oh universe, please help me become stronger. Please guide me in my decisions. May I be able to stay authentic to the life that my soul wants me to live. I need a new job, maybe a new place to live, new relationships, new routines, new experiences. I just feel it in my soul that I need to slowly overhaul my life. I just want you to know that I am officially ready for such changes. Game on!