People · Relationships · Self · Women

To all those who I thought would save me

Sorry for putting you in an impossible situation. I was not able to see and appreciate all that you were and all that you tried to be to be good for me. You wouldn’t have done better because you’ve already done what you thought was your best in a given situation. After all, it was never your obligation to make me happy.

Now I understand. I was projecting into you the hurting parts of me.

I thought I was doing you a favor. I was taking care of you. I was loving you. I was giving you my all. After all that was said and done, I believed I have forgiven you. I believed I did all the forgiving that was called for. But now I know I have unconsciously chosen you to be a part of my life in lieu of putting myself on the center. Instead of confronting my pain, instead of taking care of myself, of loving and forgiving myself, I got busy with each of you. The Spirit had to pull me out of my cocoon and let me witness in horror how the world of illusions I have built for years came crashing in a heartbeat. At that moment I couldn’t breathe. It was then when I realized that death was not really an end but a bridge to a beginning.

Death is a transformation, it is a becoming.

I am still in that ongoing process of becoming. I am completely naked, squeezing all my courage to be authentic in all my affairs. I am staring at my bruises, touching my scabs, picking at my holes. I am mapping out my herstory as I create new stories. The light is intimidating. I feel a strong resistance. I am still repulsed by what I see. But I am growing new bones and new fangs and new energy. My eyes are learning to see new colors and shapes. This is painful, too. This is sad. But I have learned to trust and respect the natural process of things. I am working on it. I am ready to get down and dirty.

Thank you for being a part of my learning and liberation. I always say this to myself,

“I have to become the person I am meant to be. I owe it to all the people who believed in me.”

Thank you for all the love and understanding. I am trying to be useful while I am here in this world. I hope I could influence your lives for the better along the way.

I am letting you all go now. I don’t need saving. I don’t need attachments. I am taking responsibility for my life now.

Please receive my abundant love. May the grace of the Spirit be with you always.

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