To the Shell I have cracked

Authenticity, People & Relationships, The Self, Women's Room

Authenticity breaks even the most stubborn defenses. It’s like the light piercing through the hardest of shells.

I knew you cracked. I cracked first before the light in me was able to crack the shit out of you. I knew you didn’t expect it. It was all too uncomfortable. It beat the hell out of me first. I was willing to put up a life-and-death fight. But I chose to surrender and liberate myself instead. I didn’t like it because it’s simply not a thing to like. But it’s one of those things we just have to go through if we want to move a step closer to freedom.

You’ve mentioned that it was obvious how you didn’t open up that much. But maybe if we become closer, you would open up, too. On the other hand, you have done a lot of introspection. We all have our own processes. Your time will come. Let’s just say that my introspective phase came a bit earlier (though it would come back again in time, of course) and now is my time to let it all out. All the things I have shared were not really that difficult to share for me because I never saw them as sensitive or taboo. But by going through the process of sharing, I’ve realized that it makes a whole lot of difference when you make something private public.

It’s not about being validated, actually but more about taking that leap of faith.

It’s an affirmation that you’ll be okay not because a safety net will catch you but because you’ll grow your wings and discover you can fly.

Authenticity makes us feel vulnerable but it actually makes us stronger.

You told me I was cool and that you liked the person you saw in me when I chose to “bare it all”. I’ve been known by my friends and those I have worked with as someone who has always been daring. I don’t really see myself that way, though.

All I know is that if we are not being authentic then what are we sharing with the world? The world needs our uniqueness.

I don’t intend to be cool. I just couldn’t help but be blunt and candid and random and awkwardly, painfully and gloriously myself.

It warms my heart to know I have influenced someone. I have made someone think and love themselves a little more. It warms my heart to know my courage has made someone braver, too.

Your time will come. Know yourself and trust the process. *flying kisses

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To all those who I thought would Save me

People & Relationships, The Self, Women's Room

Sorry for putting you in an impossible situation. I was not able to see and appreciate all that you were and all that you tried to be for me. You wouldn’t have done it any better because you’ve already done what you could. After all, it was never your obligation to make me happy.

Now I understand. I was projecting into you the hurting parts of me.

I thought I was doing you a favor. I was taking care of you. I was loving you. Now I know I have unconsciously chosen you to be a part of my life in lieu of putting myself in the center. Instead of confronting my pain, instead of taking care of myself, of loving and forgiving myself, I got busy with each of you. The Spirit had to pull me out of my cocoon and let me witness in horror how the world of illusions I have built for years came crashing down. At that moment I couldn’t breathe. It was then when I realized that death was not really an end but a bridge to a beginning.

Death is a transformation, it is a becoming.

I am still in that ongoing process of becoming. I am completely naked, squeezing all my courage to be authentic in all my affairs. I am staring at my bruises, touching my scabs, picking at my holes. I am mapping out my herstory as I create new stories. The light is intimidating.

I feel a strong resistance. I am still repulsed by what I see. But I am growing new bones and new fangs and new energy. My eyes are learning to see new colors and shapes.

This is painful, too. This is sad. But I have learned to trust and respect the natural process of things. I am working on it. I am ready to get down and dirty.

Thank you for being a part of my learning and liberation. I always say this to myself,

“I have to become the person I am meant to be. I owe it to all the people who believed in me.”

Thank you for all the love and understanding. I am trying to be useful while I am here in this world. I hope I could influence your lives for the better along the way.

I am letting you all go now. I don’t need saving. I don’t need attachments. I am taking responsibility for my life now.

Please receive my abundant love. May the grace of the Spirit be with you always.