Self · Women

To my Love and Sex Goddess

How come I am always either too young (or early) or too old (or late) for someone I like? It’s either the guy is still in school or he’s already married with three cute kids.

Yes, I know I will enjoy a life of satisfying one-night stands. But hey, eventually I want a loving long term relationship, too!!!

*

Did my colleague just describe me as ‘demure’? I just could not understand why despite my blatant expressions of kinkiness – at the workplace, during sex talks over breaks and whenever, wherever – people would still find me ‘demure’. Perhaps, my friend was right. We could engage in all the vulgar sex talks that we want and people will never take us seriously. We’re just two twentysomething ladies having an intellectual conversation over coffee at 3 pm.

When you’re a woman, it’s either you’re not sexual enough or you are too sexual. I’ve never been interested in complicating sex. I just want to do it!

Self

To some random stranger, myself perhaps

When I start to worry again about the future, I remind myself to come back to the present. I have a loving and fun family, friends, babies (pets) and enough silence and space in my life. I have enough strength and wisdom and I know The Universe has my back. Doing this leads me to wonder what’s the point of being anxious after all. What’s the point of going crazy about the future when I am perfectly at peace with the present?

Activities · Self

To remind myself of my resolutions for the coming year

1. Focus more on my overall health and well-being. Keep doing my healthy routines, be mindful, work more on my spirituality.

2. Prioritize. Take a good look at my relationships and goals. Cut off those who do not complement the kind of life that I want.

3. Have space for more silence in my life. I could write a long list to justify this one. But the end goal would always be: wisdom, balance, strength, peace and joy.

4. Teach myself to stop wanting more things. This would be the next most difficult thing for me to do besides forgiveness. But I accept the challenge!

5. Be more grateful and expressive of my gratitude. Become better in giving back is always good for the soul and good for the world.

6. Be authentic in all aspects. Authenticity is always good for the soul. I’m taking such a huge leap of faith here. But as with all kinds of leaps-of-faith, it teaches us to grow our own wings and fly.

7. Let it be. “Let yourself be. Let him/her/them be” is what I usually remind myself when I start to act like a control freak again. Letting go of our obsessions on how we think things should be, I believe will always lead us to peace, joy and more love (instead of fear and resentment).

I’ve already began practicing these things. I just wanted to start the following year with a conscious decision of getting better in doing them. Being mindful is always better. 🙂

Self

To the question: What are you most proud of?

This would be my immediate and only answer:

Being able to forgive. I was finally able to forgive all those who I had to forgive, including mostly, myself. I was also able to forgive the past for what it was and what it wasn’t. I keep on forgiving the present for what it is and what it isn’t and the future for all the things it could and could not be.

It’s only recently when I’ve realized that most, if not all, of my decisions came from a position of fear, frustration and resentment. Forgiving is such a liberating and humbling experience. It permeates my entire being.

I take pride in being able to forgive because it takes a lot of heart, spirit and bones to do it. I had to crawl to the darkest and scariest depths and climb back again to finally begin practicing it.

People · Relationships

To my batch mates who kept on going against the grain

We may have chosen seemingly different paths. But these paths all lead to the same goal of liberation. I am honored to have known you and have become a part of your journey. I feel a deep sense of pride, warmth, admiration, faith and hope when I learn of news about you.

It’s comforting to know that we are still on the same boat…and we keep on rocking it.

Living a life for oneself is pointless. It’s just a waste of resources. It’s a dead end. But aligning one’s joys and triumphs with the success of the people is contagious, limitless – eternal. It multiplies exponentially in ways we may not be capable of visualizing.

Comrades, keep on pushing on one step at a time. Didn’t we usually say, “The next best thing to freedom is the struggle for freedom.”?

We are not only getting there. We are here and it’s what matters most.

Activities · Self

To the goals I have to let go of

In line with working on my spirituality, I am learning to practice minimalism in all aspects of my life. Being minimalist in some aspects are pretty much effortless while it has proven to be a real struggle in others. For example, being minimalist in my bedroom is easy. I’ve never dressed up my room. I sleep in the mattress on the floor (I ditched the bed), I have one medium-sized closet/book shelf, a small box for my footwear, a medium-sized mirror and a basket for my make-up and toilettries. When it comes to my closet, I’ve went through with it and donated the best (but not my favorite ones) of my dresses to a garage-for-a-cause. I’m left with only my favorite pieces. Being minimalist with my make-up was difficult at first, but as I learned the looks that suit me best, I began to be picky and easily satisfied with the products I buy. It’s also relatively easy for me to be minimalist when it comes to my schedule. I know what I find meaningful, fun and comforting.

Knowing yourself is really the key.

However, when it comes to other more complex things like relationships and life goals, being minimalist can be a tough challenge. I’m currently learning the kinds of relationships I should value and work on in my life. Again, self knowledge is the key here. But it could be tricky. People change and circumstances change. Maybe the answer is to just stick with the ones which enrich your life and complement your most authentic self at each given time. Between these two, being minimalist with regards to life goals would be a lot more difficult for me. I’m used to exploring lots of things. I want to experience and learn a lot! But again, we could only do so much in our time on earth. The skill we need to learn is: focus.

This is really tough. But it’s a step I should make. It’s now or never. If I’m serious on going the path of peace then I should do it.

I don’t think being minimalist in life goals means that you have to stop wanting what you want. It only means that you have to zoom in to one or two which really matters to you.

My recent experiences have taught me that if you stay true to yourself and if you keep on living for what you really want, standing up for your principles and keeping the passion in you alive, then you no longer have to ask for it – all the things you enjoy doing will just naturally blend with your life.

I wanted to write, paint and travel – and I was able to do all these three without having to focus  on each. I didn’t have to take a formal course on writing and painting. I didn’t have to take a job that would let me travel. Looking back, I just stayed true to myself and made decisions that I felt in my soul I should make. Consequently, I met the people I was meant to meet and I was given the opportunities that were able to give me the experiences and lessons that I wanted and needed. It’s what happens when you follow your soul.

Maybe I really knew what I wanted all along. I just had to mature out to finally  be able to realize the importance of having focus. Writing this post is timely because The Universe (or The Multiverse) just recently debunked what I thought was my purpose in life (it reminded me of the time when She destroyed my illusion of The One Who Got Away – but that’s another story). I’m still waiting how the story is gonna turn out. But I have my hunches. I believe She is guiding me to a much bigger goal (not better nor more meaningful, just bigger in scope).

Good thing, it’s still in line with how I want my life to be about or to be. The essence is the same, even though the form has changed.

I may have to let go now of my other big dreams and focus only on this one dream: To work on self development in order to contribute more to building a society that is just and harmonious for all.

I have worked with various sectors of society for various causes. There is much to learn from the particularity of things. But at the end of the day, it should all come back to the highest universality. It’s never too late to learn…how to focus. I hope the coming decades of my life will be more productive, meaningful and fun because of it.

To the goals I have to let go of, you are free now to go and be with the ones who will really embrace you with fire and wind. Maybe we’ll see each other again somewhere along the way. It’s been nice having you accompany me through all these years. I feel a little sad and afraid now that I am letting you go. But the time has come and I am making this decision with complete awareness.

Cheers to us! Cheers to life!

Self

To my Spirit

You speak with me mainly through the power of synchronicity and the voice in my head. You have a constant space in my soul that’s why I could easily recognize if it’s you speaking. Your wisdom is always as clear as an order or an obvious fact. I just have to be keep my resistance low in order to comprehend and accept what you want me to know.

I am open. Please come and never, ever leave me. I need you to permeate my entire life. Guide me through all my affairs. Be my rock and anchor. Be my eternal light.

People · Relationships · Women · Work

To the shell I have cracked

Authenticity breaks even the most stubborn defenses. It’s like the light piercing through the hardest of shells.

I knew you cracked. I cracked first before the light in me was able to crack the shit out of you. I knew you didn’t expect it. It was all too uncomfortable. It beat the hell out of me first. I was willing to put up a life-and-death fight. But I chose to surrender and liberate myself instead. I didn’t like it because it’s simply not a thing to like. But it’s one of those things we just have to go through if we want to move a step closer to freedom.

You’ve mentioned that it was obvious how you didn’t open up that much. But maybe if we become closer, you would open up, too. On the other hand, you have done a lot of introspection. We all have our own processes. Your time will come. Let’s just say that my introspective phase came a bit earlier (though it would come back again in time, of course) and now is my time to let it all out. All the things I have shared were not really that difficult to share for me because I never saw them as sensitive or taboo. But by going through the process of sharing, I’ve realized that it makes a whole lot of difference when you make something private public.

It’s not about being validated, actually but more about taking that leap of faith.

It’s an affirmation that you’ll be okay not because a safety net will catch you but because you’ll grow your wings and discover you can fly.

Authenticity makes us feel vulnerable but it actually makes us stronger.

You told me I was cool and that you liked the person you saw in me when I chose to “bare it all”. I am not sure which parts of me you actually found cool. Perhaps, my boldness? I’ve been known by my friends and those I have worked with as someone who has always been daring. I don’t really see myself that way, though.

All I know is that if we are not being authentic then what are we sharing with the world? The world needs each of our own uniqueness.

I don’t intend to be cool. I just couldn’t help being blunt and candid and random and awkwardly, painfully and gloriously myself.

It warms my heart to know I have influenced someone. I have made someone think and love themselves a little more. It warms my heart to know my courage has made someone braver, too.

Your time will come. Know yourself and trust the process. I couldn’t  help but see how beautiful you are. *flying kisses

People · Relationships · Self · Women

To all those who I thought would save me

Sorry for putting you in an impossible situation. I was not able to see and appreciate all that you were and all that you tried to be to be good for me. You wouldn’t have done better because you’ve already done what you thought was your best in a given situation. After all, it was never your obligation to make me happy.

Now I understand. I was projecting into you the hurting parts of me.

I thought I was doing you a favor. I was taking care of you. I was loving you. I was giving you my all. After all that was said and done, I believed I have forgiven you. I believed I did all the forgiving that was called for. But now I know I have unconsciously chosen you to be a part of my life in lieu of putting myself on the center. Instead of confronting my pain, instead of taking care of myself, of loving and forgiving myself, I got busy with each of you. The Spirit had to pull me out of my cocoon and let me witness in horror how the world of illusions I have built for years came crashing in a heartbeat. At that moment I couldn’t breathe. It was then when I realized that death was not really an end but a bridge to a beginning.

Death is a transformation, it is a becoming.

I am still in that ongoing process of becoming. I am completely naked, squeezing all my courage to be authentic in all my affairs. I am staring at my bruises, touching my scabs, picking at my holes. I am mapping out my herstory as I create new stories. The light is intimidating. I feel a strong resistance. I am still repulsed by what I see. But I am growing new bones and new fangs and new energy. My eyes are learning to see new colors and shapes. This is painful, too. This is sad. But I have learned to trust and respect the natural process of things. I am working on it. I am ready to get down and dirty.

Thank you for being a part of my learning and liberation. I always say this to myself,

“I have to become the person I am meant to be. I owe it to all the people who believed in me.”

Thank you for all the love and understanding. I am trying to be useful while I am here in this world. I hope I could influence your lives for the better along the way.

I am letting you all go now. I don’t need saving. I don’t need attachments. I am taking responsibility for my life now.

Please receive my abundant love. May the grace of the Spirit be with you always.