Thank you for the silence. Thank you for the enforced gap.
I am able to do what I am supposed to.
Thank you for the silence. Thank you for the enforced gap.
I am able to do what I am supposed to.
Well, I’ve been overhauling my life these past few months. But the answer to that question would be composed of these two main things:
I am done with…
1. Going out with guys just because I’m bored or horny. Dating can be fun and there’s nothing wrong with having fun while dating. I don’t also have anything against casual sex (read another blog post yay). But finding fulfillment in things external to oneself is in the long run, not healthy. In fact, it’s completely dangerous. I know because I’ve been into all sorts of shit because of it. There’d be no self growth in it. I would not invite really meaningful and lasting relationships if I keep on doing it. No. Never.
2. Laziness in living a healthy life. Living a healthy life doesn’t just happen. It requires continuous effort. We have to decide and shape our habits if we want to live a life that is nourishing in all aspects. If we want to eat healthy, then we must plan and cook our own meals. If we want to keep our bodies from deteriorating, then we must allot time for working out. If we want to achieve a constant state of peace in spirit, then we must train ourselves to be fully awake human beings. People only notice the changes in my appearance, saying I look prettier now. But they don’t know the conscious effort (and discipline!!!) I do in maintaining a life of balance that perhaps, resonates in my appearance.
I’ve never been financially wealthy. I come from a lower middle class family. My father is an overseas worker and my mother is a small-time entrepreneur and a full-time home maker. I’m lucky to have completed my undergraduate degree and to have experienced some luxuries that others don’t get to have. I’m in my late twenties now but I suppose I’m still earning half of what my batch mates do. I chose a different path in life. Instead of concentrating on building a solid, corporate career path during and after college (like what most of my batch mates were doing at that time) I chose to take risks, go beyond the horizons of my limited life and circle and learn from the world and its people. When I decided to leave school for a while to become a full time community worker, I was fully aware of the kind of future I may not have (career and a comfortable life, or so I thought). I actually lived in poverty. I did all sorts of sacrifices but my morale was high. I knew how it felt like to be clueless on where to sleep every night, where and how to eat (I didn’t have money to buy my own food), who to run to when I need someone to talk to and get some emotional support. I knew how it felt like to be alone and lonely.
Eventually I decided to go back to the university to finish my degree. I got into freelance work right after college. Before that work opportunity, I was slightly worried that I might not be able to find work immediately or I may not get into a work which I find fulfilling. During that time, I admit, I really didn’t know what I want to do next with my life. I just wanted to find a job because that’s what I was supposed to do. I needed to earn my own money.
So I got from one job to another (I was always referred by friends). Even though all of those never offered me a satisfying salary, I always saw the opportunity each job offered me. I was open to life and learning. I knew compensation comes in many various forms. I was just lucky enough that I could survive with that little amount I was earning.
I never had the salary I wish I had (I still don’t have it in my current job), but I’ve never felt poor. That is because I’ve always been given what I need whenever I need it. That is the living truth of my life. That is also how I learned how to trust The Universe. I know I am taken care of. I have always been.
The Universe is wise and generous. She knows the kind of help that would be best for me. My life experiences have taught me that.
I have learned that if you truly follow your soul, The Universe will take care of you. She will not spare you from hardships, of course, because those are natural consequences of some of your decisions, but she will always, always lend you a helping hand whenever you need one. You don’t even have to ask!
I followed my soul all throughout. Everyday the meaning of seemingly coincidental things reveal itself to me. It’s like The Universe is saying, “Don’t worry, just move forward! I have your back!”
She also taught me so much about Abundance.
I have learned that Abundance is not when you have a lot but when you don’t need anything more.
That’s why when you’re able to share with what little you have, you will always have enough. Doesn’t life happen like that? We benefit from the generosity of each and everyone (and I’m not talking only of humans here). We give and we receive. The cycle goes on. No real abundance will come to those who are only after taking advantage of other people for their own benefit. That mentality of hoarding only creates a deeper well of need that will not be filled up.
The amazing part is, The Universe usually fills our lives with Abundance in forms which we haven’t thought of/prayed for. But you would only notice and appreciate it if you let go your expectations and become fully present in life and receiving Her grace.
I wake up everyday smiling, believing with my whole being that I don’t need to worry about a thing (I just have to be responsible and do my part) because I have The Universe with me. I am Her and She is Me. Miracles are real and they can happen to anyone in unlimited frequency and volume. You just have to be fully conscious to realize it.
To my friend who wants to know how I usually end up loving what I’m doing, my answer is simple:
Be present and give all you can give to the task at hand. Dig really deep until it fully opens up to you as well. See the wonder and beauty that’s inside. We can ALWAYS find something to love about anything if we really will ourselves to.
Of course this advice is only applicable to those situations wherein we don’t have a choice yet to do something else or to do what we want (perhaps, we don’t what it is we want yet). This is also applicable to those people who always want to be somewhere else, never fully present in the Now. If we always want to be somewhere else, doing something else, we would never be at peace because we don’t take the opportunity to fully realize the gifts of each moment.
Being alive is doing what you love. To do what you love you must be totally present. Being totally present means living absolutely.
I usually think twice, thrice, four or five times before I decide to slip away or totally cut ties with someone. It’s easier said than done, I know, because in real life, categories and processes are more complicated than, let’s say, cleaning up one’s bedroom.
On the surface, there seems to be no reason for me to completely cut ties with you. We didn’t have any major misunderstanding, nobody betrayed nobody, we’re both fine actually. But I believe we have changed separately. The decisions we have recently made have put us into two different directions. Well, we could say, it always happen to friends – and it does – it doesn’t mean they should go their separate ways entirely. That is right in many instances, I believe. However, it depends on the transformations that have taken place. People could still complement each other’s lives if the transformations allow it.
I don’t want to complicate things. It will only hurt us more. Let’s just say that we’ve come to a point in our lives that we’ve become too different from each other. You have chosen a different path which comes with its own set of concerns and fulfillments. The same thing goes for me. Perhaps, we just have to admit that we can no longer complement each other. I no longer find it interesting to speak with you and you no longer agree with my opinions on most things. We just end up judging each other, which is a totally wrong thing to do between friends. We are not comrades and sisters, anymore, in many ways.
We both offered meaning and fun in each others’ lives before. Our friendship will always be a priceless thing. But in order to move on in health and in peace, we should allow the natural process of transformation and letting go to take hold of our lives and relationship. Let’s keep ourselves from resisting what IS.
We may find ourselves enlivened with each other somewhere along the road again. But for now, we just have to let go.
I will always have grateful and loving thoughts of you.
You are not gonna be successful in luring me to buy a roundtrip ticket to somewhere I’m not dying to go to. I know sale promos operate that way – they trick the consumers into buying stuff they don’t really need or want but buy them anyway because their prices are way lower than the usual.
I’d rather save up and wait until I could visit one of those on my list again. So what if it takes me years? I’m not settling for mediocrity.
All along I thought it was only me who felt it: the strange, alive and extremely unforgettable connection between us.
I know you’ve said it before, perhaps a couple of times, “I’ve never been this close to someone.” and “I feel like I’ve known you for years!”. Perhaps, I didn’t take it quite seriously then because I thought it was just a one-night stand for you and that you were used to one-night stands. But apparently, I was wrong. We’ll be celebrating the first anniversary of our only memorable night pretty soon and you still haven’t moved on (what a surprise) from that night (I haven’t, too and I couldn’t). You just told me a few days ago that you always think about the feelings you had with me, that you felt like you have known me for years and that you still haven’t felt that close to anybody.
Like me, you couldn’t forget the fun and the incredible feelings (incredible was your word, baby) we had with each other. All along I thought that that night was given by the universe TO ME and to me alone. Now I realize that it was also for you. You were deeply affected by that night. It warms and pains my heart at the same time. I feel warmth because I had the chance to experience that. I had the chance of meeting you. On the other hand, it hurts me because I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again or when or where (though we both are wishing to).
It makes me kind of lonely to think that I might not be able to feel that kind of connection, intensity, fun and freedom again.
We connected, I believe, because we were alike in many ways. We were both open to life at that time. We were both frank in all the sincere, sweet, awkward, harsh and funny ways. We both liked the same kind of sex (which was not really passionate, but more of friendly, fun, light, and dirty!). Surprisingly, we even had the same interests (photography, films, cooking, among others).
You told me you felt as though you knew how I wanted to feel and that I knew how you wanted to feel, too. Actually, I disagree on that statement. We really didn’t do anything amazing on its own that night. We had some skills, yes but I believe we just acted naturally. We didn’t know what each other wanted. How could we? We just met that night! We didn’t even talk much before having sex (or even during). It just so happened that we affected each other perfectly.
Everything you did felt perfect to me. My entire body, mind and spirit just responded to you. It surrendered to you. You could’ve merely touched my elbow and I’d be orgasmic. Seriously!
And I knew the same thing happened to you. You could never forget me and that night because of the novelty and strangeness of those intense and fun feelings.
I also believe that another major reason why we couldn’t forget it is because on that night, we were in our most absolute presence.
We soaked ourselves in the moment. All our senses were alive and in sync. That’s the reason why after almost a year, we could still relive the moment. It’s all about fate and presence.
I still don’t understand why the universe let us meet less than 48 hours before I leave the place where we met (to think that I’ve been there for three months!). I catch myself asking the question I’ve asked you before, “What do you think would have happened if we met earlier? If we spent more time together?” (to which you replied: “Maybe, you wouldn’t leave.”). I just couldn’t help myself from asking because it felt as though the universe wanted us to meet and change in profound ways but it didn’t want us to stay together and have a relationship. And. I. Just. Could. Not. Understand. Why. (I’m a stubborn little human being, I know.)
While sex is just one form of communicating with another soul – and we did connect amazingly! – it should not be dismissed as a petty thing – just sex – when in fact it could lead us to the most intensely liberating and spiritual experiences of our lives (and I’m not even exaggerating here, you know that.). It broke the walls between our two souls that otherwise won’t be broken by other means of communication (also, given that short amount of time).
I know we both long to be together again and it’s not only because of sex but more so because we’d like to feel that intense connection and liberation and fun again that we’ve only felt with each other so far. But I also know that since we have all these limitations in our situation, meeting again looks like a sweet fantasy for now. We have to move on with our lives, reach our goals, meet new people, enrich our relationships, fall in and out of love (like what just happened to me) and grow up. We don’t want to pressure ourselves and each other, and I like how we do it.
When we talk, you bring out the sunshine in me. I hope I bring out the sunshine in you as well.
You’ve given me not just the perfect kiss which I thought only existed in my imagination but so much more. You didn’t just accept me bare-naked and all (literally and figuratively) but you’ve shown me how amazing I really was, and still am. Recalling how you’ve made me feel is enough to dissolve my insecurities when they try to creep up on me time and time again. It’s amazing how an apparent stranger like you could make me feel that way. But perhaps, it’s exactly because you’re a stranger. You’re capable of seeing who I really was.
You have a good heart and a really beautiful soul. Whether we meet again or not, please remember that I will forever cherish our night and all the things that came with it and I will always have loving thoughts for you.
You already have a piece of me that only you will ever have.