I don’t claim to know your reasons. I don’t claim to know your situation. I’ve never been a wife and a mother. But I am a woman. There was this very striking moment in my life that I could not shake off. But that’s the point. I should not let that memory go, ever in my entire life. It will save me.
I could still remember the exact moment. It was late in the evening, at around ten. It was only a couple of hours after I was able to confront my then boyfriend to confess on me about his cheating (he wasn’t planning to confess at that time). I was in a fast food eating with my mom. I was feeling very, very depressed, not because he cheated on me but because I forgave and accepted him again.
My mother was right. She said, if I was able to accept that kind of behavior, then what else could I not accept next time? We were not even married and we didn’t have a child. I practically didn’t have much reason to cling on to him. She asked me why did I even have this feeling that I needed him so much?
Then I heard myself talking to myself these exact words,
“This is the line you said you will not cross. If you cross this, there is no turning back. This will lead you straight to hell and this time it’s your choice.”
I felt its raw truth inside me. I could even remember how it tasted like, how it sounded like, how its breath felt like in my chest, in my ears, in my mind. I called him and broke up with him in an instant. He completely didn’t expect it (like he didn’t expect I would knew that he cheated on me). In exchange for the love I shared with him, that was the kind of treatment he gave me in return (cheating, manipulating, lying for I couldn’t even say how long or how many times or if there really was a time in which he was being true to me).
I realized then, perhaps, that was how abuses kept on happening.
If we don’t have boundaries or if we keep on transgressing our own boundaries, we could keep on giving excuses for our abuser’s actions, we could keep on twisting the truth ourselves.
If we violate our own values and let ourselves down, it could become a habit – a fatal habit at that – and really, it could cost our lives. It could either kill our bodies or our spirit – or both.
I could cope up with losing him but never with losing myself. I still knew what dignity was and I was going to fight for it even if I had only myself to fight with (which made everything so much more difficult).
The lessons I’ve learned can be summed up as:
Know your worth. Know your values and uphold them at all cost. Never, ever give up your dignity for anyone or anything.
We are always given another chance to redeem ourselves. Let’s not waste our life letting these chances pass us by. I’m glad I’ve learned those lessons this early. I may save myself for deeper kinds of shit. But again, my dear, as long as you are alive, it’s never too late to learn and redeem yourself.
Take back your dignity and life. Own it. Be your own savior. It’s nobody else’s obligation to make you happy. It’s yours. Fight for the love and the life that you deserve.