I don’t claim to know your reasons. I don’t claim to know your situation. I’ve never been a wife and a mother. But I am a woman. There was this striking moment in my life that I could not shake off, ’cause that’s the point – I should not let that memory go. It has saved me and it can still.
I remember the exact moment. It was late in the evening, at around ten. It was only a couple of hours after I was able to confront my then boyfriend to confess on me about his cheating. I was in a fast food eating with my mom. I was feeling very, very depressed, not because he cheated on me but because I forgave and accepted him again.
My mother was right. She said, if I was able to accept that kind of behavior, then what else could I not accept next time? We were not even married and we didn’t have a child. I practically didn’t have much reason to cling on to him. She asked me why did I even have this feeling that I needed him so much?
Then I heard myself talking to myself these exact words,
“This is the line you said you will not cross. If you cross this, there is no turning back. This will lead you straight to hell and this time – it’s your choice.”
I felt its raw truth all over my body. I could even remember how it tasted like, how it sounded like, how its breath felt like in my chest, in my ears, in my mind. I called him and broke up with him in an instant. I thought, in exchange of the love I shared with him, that was the kind of treatment he gave me in return (cheating, manipulating, lying for I couldn’t even say how long or how many times or if there really was a time when he was telling the truth).
I realized then, perhaps, that was how abuses kept on happening.
If we don’t have boundaries or if we keep on transgressing our own boundaries, we could keep on giving excuses for our abuser’s actions, we could keep on twisting the truth ourselves.
If we violate our own values and let ourselves down, it could become a habit – a fatal habit at that – and really, it could cost our lives. It could kill our bodies or our spirit – or both.
I could cope up with losing him but never with losing myself. I still knew what dignity meant and I was going to fight for it even if I had only myself to fight with (which made everything so much more difficult).
We are always given another chance to redeem ourselves. Let’s not waste our life letting these chances pass us by. I’m glad I’ve learned those lessons this early.
It’s never too late to learn and redeem yourself.
Take back your dignity and life. Own it. Be your own savior. It’s nobody else’s obligation to make you happy. It’s yours. Fight for the love and the life that you deserve.