People · Relationships · Self · Women

To the little-girl-on-fire inside me

You were right. I had to leave him. I had so many reasons to leave him but I still wanted to stay. He’d been a toxic boyfriend, he knew that and he also knew from the start that he didn’t deserve me. Oh well, I could make a really long list of the reasons why I should have left him earlier in the relationship. But the thing that made me decide to finally leave him was because he cheated on me.

I saw his regret, yes. I saw his remorse from what he did. He not only disappointed me but he disappointed himself above all. Those were the reasons why I was able to forgive him that easy.

But forgiving didn’t have to mean accepting him again in my life. I understood all his pains and his reasons for doing all the bad decisions he has made even before we met. But cheating has always been a deal-breaker for me. I have my own values and violating these values would only mean death to you, the little girl on fire inside me.

I could still remember that decisive moment when I had to choose between you and him. I chose you. I could cope up with losing him but never with losing you.

He did it to us. He broke us apart. We could never undo what he did. Our relationship with all its possibilities was broken. As much as I still wanted to make it work, there was nothing I could do anymore.

Accepting him again would only be like saying to myself that he was more worthy than me, than you. Accepting him would only mean that there’s nothing else I won’t be able to not accept from that moment on. It’s giving up my dignity 140%. I couldn’t do that. I won’t be able to deal with your death. I might as well just die myself.

I had to stand up for myself, for you.

I had to stand up to the fact that he had hurt me despite saying that he loved me. I just had to let it sink in – the raw and throbbing feeling of being betrayed, hurt and left all alone to lick my own wounds. I had to acknowledge what he did to me. I had to stand up for the truth that what he did to me was unjust and was totally not right. I had to prove you that lying and cheating should never be tolerated. Some people may not do what I did because situations vary and people are just different. But I owned up to my decision. It’s what I felt in my soul I should do. I have no regrets whatsoever.

I’ve always put honesty on top of my values. I still do. Cheers to us, my little girl on fire! We were able to fight for that most cherished value.

From now on we both know that blessings will continue to come our way because we’ve earned it. There is nothing greater than living an authentic life inside-out. Only cowards would be comfortable living in chronic dishonesty and mediocrity. There is no peace, abundance and joy in a life filled with lies. It was easy to forgive him because what he did was very human. I knew where he was coming from. But accepting him again after what he did was something else.

He wasn’t able to change himself for the better (in fact, he only got worse in time) because he chose not to. He may have had his own share of pains and betrayals but not all who experience the same things end up being an asshole like him.

We may be limited by our circumstances but we could always choose how to respond to them. Pain could either break or make us better. It’s our choice.

He broke my heart. He buried me so deep below. But it was my choice not to sink into the pits.

I fought for you, my little girl on fire. Nobody could kill you.

Maybe I was broken down for a time. But I picked up the good parts of me that were left and I rebuilt myself into a stronger and wiser version of me.

Bitterness and regret should not have a permanent place in my life. I didn’t want to end up hurting others because I was hurting, too. I surrendered myself to healing. I was not gonna make that pain that he caused me transform me into a monster. I held on for who I was. I held on for you.

We are stronger than all these pain and loss. Love and goodness, these things will rise above all the negativity.

We were healed by an all-encompassing love. We will endure. We will get better. Life will get better for us who believe in its goodness.

I hope he learns his lessons, too. I’ve always believed in him. I just couldn’t spend the rest of my life waiting for him to change and achieve his greatest potential.

I love you, little girl on fire. I promise to keep on making you proud and protected. Nothing and no one could kill your heat and light. Please keep on lighting up my life. We are in this journey together. We are living a life of adventure. We will keep on living it.

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