People · Self

To an old friend named Depression

You used to have so much power over me.

There was a point in my life where I simply let myself see the world through you. Everything was just about you and your unreasonable demands. Nothing could ever appease you. The more you’re given what you thought you needed, the worse you became. The more I reached out to you, the deeper you dug into your hole.

You were so clingy to the past and so jaded about the future. You used to have this habit of picking out only the sappiest, most tragic stories from heaven-knows-where. You were a negative-vibe-magnet. The truth was you were beautiful and brilliant. You just couldn’t see it because you were so wrapped up in your own pain. You won’t let it go fearing that you will lose yourself as well.

You came to me at a time when I was feeling weak and alone myself. You became my most available companion. Well, it must be true what they say, misery loves company.

Somehow, you provided the comfort that I needed. It was suffocating in your arms, yes, but at least I had someone with me. You justified all the wounds that I’ve been nursing on my own. There was meaning to my despair. There was someone who actually listened, understood and cared.

I was so empty at that time that I let us feed on each other. I let you suck all the good things about me. But even my all was not enough to make you full and happy.

Fortunately, I was able to rescue myself just in time. I still had the reason and strength to separate myself from you. I had no idea what’s gonna become of me after that. Would the world welcome me back? I didn’t know. But I didn’t care. All I felt was exhaustion. I wanted respite from you and from what I have become.

While it’s true that you didn’t run after me, I’ve always had this secret fear that I won’t be able to resist you when we accidentally meet again. There was this nagging fear that I might accidentally fall into your deep, dark hole again. This fear of falling and forever getting trapped controlled my life for a time. I lived in a constant state of paranoia and cowardliness.

Love made me strong and wise enough to confront your shadows and my fears.

Depression, I don’t need you now. I have changed. I’ve learned a lot from you. I used to think I could take everything, that I could be everything to everyone. You taught me how to be humble enough to accept my humanity. You’ve helped me map out the hurting parts of me. But I don’t need you now. I’ve become stronger and more capable of living with the painful and disappointing realities of life.  I could be in charge now. I have to let you go because I have to step into the light. I must move out from the comfort zone that you’ve provided me. There are people who need my love. I deserve love as well. I have to be there for the people who care about me. I have to show up in my own life.

I’ve known long ago that sooner or later I must let you go. I just didn’t expect it will be this painful and sad. Contrary to what my family and friends think about you, you are not my enemy but my friend. You always had been. You came to me when I needed you. The darkness you shared with me was comforting. You let me into your home. You embraced who I was. You didn’t reject my darkness when the whole world didn’t want any of it. You gave me a space where I can grow my own roots and my own wings at the same time.

Depression, thank you. You only existed because I brought you to life. You can rest now. Trust me, I’ll be okay. As you go on your journey, please take with you a piece of my grateful, loving heart. After the long struggle to keep afloat and survive, we have reached the shore. I am finally safe in my own strength. You can let me go now.


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