I understand where you were coming from. Your reaction was no longer surprising nor offending to me. Maybe because the subject didn’t matter to me after all.
You may not believe it but the first time I thought of having myself sterilized was when I was 23.
As a kid, I didn’t really have fantasies of becoming a mother. I used to play with Barbie dolls, yes. But my dolls were all professional, pretty, single women. I had a Ken but I never really played with him. I didn’t know what to do with him, anyway. So I just let my younger brothers toy with him.
One of my Barbie dolls had a baby, but only because she was a pediatrician. The baby was not hers.
Some of my childhood dreams were to either become a doctor, a painter or a nun (only because nuns don’t get married). But my ultimate dream was to become my own boss – an entrepreneur, to just travel and read (and not to work for money).
I never had anything against motherhood. I have a loving and strong mother who is really good at whatever she choose to do. She knew at an early age that she’s going to be a good mother. She became one. She still is. It’s her calling. But I’m the total opposite. I don’t look down on full-time moms. I hope you don’t misunderstand me. I value my relationships a lot. Life is meaningless without our loved ones. The things is, I get more fulfillment from my career and accomplishments (little projects) as an artist. I feel complete in my freedom as a woman.
I feel at peace when I am free to do what I want whenever I want to do it.
I am a feminist and I don’t hate men, okay. In fact, I love men. I feel good when I fall in love especially when I am in a committed relationship…and I don’t hate kids. But I don’t think the conventional family life is for me. It just doesn’t resonate with who I am and what makes me feel fulfilled. But who knows, perhaps when I’m already in my fifties, maybe then I’d get married with someone who’s also a free spirit. But not now, not even soon. There are so many things I’d want to do and having my own family is not one of those. I also don’t think I’m gonna be a horrible mom. In fact, (arrogance aside) I believe I’m gonna be a cool, mature mother. However, I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to become one.
The recent events in my life have reaffirmed this truth (I almost got married). Not everyone is meant to take that path. That includes me.
There are many ways to live each of our lives. I was meant to give birth to other equally valuable and meaningful things.
I am not apologetic at all. I am not being selfish for not wanting to bear a child. Selfish are those who use their children as a substitute for all the things they lack in themselves.
I never thought there was a problem with me only because I don’t like the things most people like – which is to have a family. I love my family so much and they are one of my reasons for living but I just couldn’t bring myself to have my own. I believe I need all my time for other things.
You probably won’t understand me since you’ve been praying to have your own child. But I couldn’t understand your plight as well since I’ve never had that deep desire to have one. I am not judging you, though. All of us has the right to want what we want and to do everything we can to fulfill it.
Instead of judging and letting each other down, why don’t we support each other as women? We are our own comrades after all.
I haven’t stopped thinking about getting sterilized. I know time will come when things will fall into place and I’m gonna be able to finally do it. I know there are many women like me who want and don’t want the same things. I’m writing this letter on their behalf. The world needs to hear our story.