So you left me, with so many burns and scratches, realizations and feelings left unexpressed. There are so many things to speak about and so many thoughts to poke around in silence. But perhaps, what I want to write in this letter are those things that I want both of us to remember.
We were drawn to each other because we were both hurting in one way or another. The pain we shared had been a driving force in our lives even before we met. It brought us together but it also drove us apart.
But you see, our love (no matter how weak or “lost” it was) gave me the chance to conquer the weak, afraid and foolish parts of me. You were subconsciously pushing sore buttons in me that I initially freaked out – but instead of totally losing it all again and running away I decided to stay. I don’t think I’ve told you this but I used to always carry with me the fear of imminent depression. I used to be so afraid of getting depressed again that all I did was run away from what I thought were triggers. You were one of the many triggers. But instead of running away again, I decided to stay. I did stay. I was able to confront the shadows of depression and spat these words into its no-face (I was so used to running away from it that I didn’t know it has no face after all) “Not again. Not this time. Not anymore. I’m bigger than you. You have no existence of your own.” True enough, as soon as I confronted it, it melted in front of me just like that. Fear, really, has no existence of its own. Fear only exists because we give it the power to be. Now I feel free. I know I’m bigger than depression and the rest of my fears. I can handle whatever comes my way.
I know you didn’t mean to hurt me but you just couldn’t help it because you were hurting, too.
No matter how cruelly you’ve hurt me, you were also able to bring out the loveliest, most righteous, warmest, strongest and wisest parts of me. You buried me so deep below that I had to fight my way back up to the top. I soared even higher. I didn’t even know I could fly!
Individually, both of us didn’t know our worth. But both of us saw the value of each other. Like what I’ve told you many times, I saw through you. I saw who you were. I saw the little light inside you wanting to be free. It was smothered by the shadows of your bad decisions that it felt weak. You couldn’t see that at that time. I hope you do now. You once broke down in tears because you couldn’t understand why I loved you so much when you felt so unlovable, when you didn’t even love yourself. I hope you now know the reasons why. All the love I gave you was only meant for you. Take it wherever you go, let it grow and share it to all those who will benefit from it. I’ve always believed in you and in how you can be of great value to all those around you.
Likewise, the greatest thing I’ve learned from all of this is my own self worth. Stripped to the bone, face flat in the mud I faced the reality that I didn’t love myself after all. Unpleasant things kept happening to me because I didn’t know what I deserved.
I had no boundaries. You knew I was amazing. You told me that even from the very start up to the part where you were breaking up with me. If I really believed I was amazing none of those hurtful things would’ve happened.
Now I am aware of all the blessings that I have, too. I’ve more appreciation now for the people in my life and the things I’ve got the chance to do.
There’s my family, there are my friends. You said many people have forgotten what they really wanted to do. You admired me first of all because I inspired you to discover what you want and to pursue whatever it may be. I hope you’re enjoying your journey. Be patient and always stay present.
Both of us weren’t able to seize the power of the present because we’re clinging so much on the past – with all its false sweetness and false pain. We both needed healing.
I’d like to share with you my relief, joy and liberation for being able to heal my deep-seated wounds. I was able to do it even if it had to take me more or less a decade to do so. You don’t have any idea how badly I wanted to share this with you. You’re a big part of my healing.
I’ve never felt so shattered in my life. But let’s not focus on that (Hahaha!).
I sort of wanted to brag about how I went through unimaginable pain and loneliness to the entire soul-tearing, skin-and-heart-peeling, enlightening and empowering process of healing. I came out a totally better version of myself.
I discovered the skills I didn’t even know I had. I knew who my real friends were. I knew pain, I knew loss, I knew grief, I knew shame, I knew desperation. I also knew surrender, faith, strength, courage, joy, hope and forgiveness. I knew how to take care of myself. I knew how to ask for help. I summoned all my strength by letting myself become vulnerable to my feelings and all the uncertainty that laid before me. I really want to meet with you again and hear your own story of redemption and recovery. You are a strong person but you just couldn’t see it like all the other great things about you.
Since we broke up, lots of opportunities kept on opening up to me. I didn’t mean that it’s because you are gone but most probably it’s because I simply wasn’t paying attention to them after all. I’ve been looking towards a path that was not for me at that time (a married life with kids and all of that). It was not really what I wanted to happen. It was what others wanted to happen and what I thought I wanted to happen as well. I was meant to do other things.
Slowly, now I’m starting to pursue my interests again and seriously plan how I’m going to turn my ideas into reality.
We both sought salvation from all the wrong things and people, including each other. Eventually we learned that we were our own savior. Only we could redeem ourselves.
The time we spent was short but filled with love and meaning. It radically turned me into who I was meant to be – one step closer to my most authentic self. I hope it changed your life, too, for the better.
Send the sound of your laughter to me and remember that I always have the best of intentions for you. The universe is on your side. You are being taken care of.
P.S. Forgiving you was the easiest part. Forgiving the past and the future – and myself was the hardest.